Derby Trail Forums - The ClydeVivor Oaks/Derby SightyPooKins Benefit Contest

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(reprinted from the Cincinnati Expirer ,without permission)

CARPET BOMBING

by Clyde Collinwood,cretaor of CLYDEFORM!!,world renown horsy and political analyst,eclectic essayist,inventor of the Effigy Coppying Machine and voracious consultant to all things piquant.

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Uh, by the way.....the 4,Piquant, is my horsey of choice for tomorrow's Sara's card.Pick o' the day-----don't ya know.Also, DaGelfer enjoys going to the races so that he may see zoo animals run.He is weird.

Now for my column topic.

Which I have again forgot.

This is really,really disturbing to my dupa.

(Think! You can do it!-----GOT IT!) OK, you puny Earthlings do not gain the benefits of noodle activity such as I do because you do not spend enough time on the floor.This particular floor I have now is covered with a carpet.Still getting use to that.So I'm a barbarian;big deal.The other day I was on the floor laying on my fine belly and reading Hitchens.This always gives me a headache and I have to take breaks every 10 minutes.In one of my intermissions,I started staring at the carpet fabric.....which is dark,like the night.The sun was setting and it sent laser like beams of light onto the carpet area within my vision.Quite a contrast.I became somewhat mesmerized by the artwork and started to see a forest in the carpet fibers and there were beams of light painting things in the forest I could not quite see,yet.

Oh.....forgot to mention I chose #3,Wine Police? Something like that, for the Belly Rub today.100 to win only!

That probably should not be in my column.

But oh well.

I felt exotic and took my sharply edged ruler that I use for pounding invading bugs and made a triangle in these fibers.It was like an unseen hand guided my seen hand.It was supposed to be the Bermuda Triangle.Pretty sure.It made me also think of Pythagoras as I know he digs triangles.OK,I'm doing it again.....Godammity.

Anyhoo----I began to see people.

I heard my inner self playing silky smooth and very pretty music.I stared deeper into the attraction of the carpet fibers.I saw a little boy sitting in the cusp of two trees.Then, a little girl not all that far from the boy got between my eyes and the carpet , and she was praying.People began growing out of this scene, almost as if spawned by the music.An adult lady....was also praying.She was against the side of the same tree that the little girl was in front.The little boy was behind them both.....sitting in the cusp of two trees.Remember?He struck no pose;just sitting and I would think taking in the serenity of sight and sound.It is my feeling the little girl was praying that the little boy would not see her and that he would go away.The adult woman----that's tricky,but maybe she was praying the same thing,although she was in full view of the boy.The girl was not because she was in front of the tree;the adult woman on the side.

Are you seeing this?

It's important.

Try harder.

Then again, maybe the adult woman was praying she was blinding the boy's view of the girl and I think that means the woman knew both the boy and the girl-----and that's says so much.Here's the strange part.I then saw a tall thin man appear DIRECTLY behind the boy!! " Whatthe****!!?",I mused. The materialization of these 4 almost apparition like beings was amazing.I could see them clearly now . Having a good sense of what the other three's purpose;I was stymied by the tall thin man.Who is he and what's the intent? The sweet silky music kept playing.At this point I guess I should weave everything together in one beautiful harmonic of the senses and the subconscious but I CAN'T! Godammity I CAN'T.

I know my noodle put this all together and is trying to solve something that is bugging me inside without my knowing;as bugging things do like to be stuffed away so they may be forgotten and never again thought of so as not to bug one anymore.

But that is not the way it works.

Oh no.

God made sure of that when he wired our jelly computers.

Did you see DaGelfers avy? I think that must be his little girl.She looks just like the only girl I was married with,when she was that age.She's a swell little girly,Gelfer.

Uh, this has nothing to do with my protracted conundrum.Gosh, doesn't that sounds like a male birth control device? Didn't mean it that way.

It is my thought my dweeby readers will not see the advantage that is lent to barbarians.After all,who wants to conjer up bugs that are'unt bugging them any longer?That is the very point.If you buy furniture;you will never spend enough time on the floor to bring bugging things back to the surface so that you may once and for all force yourself to deal with those obnoxious creatures.

Oh no.

What the **** am I TALKING ABOUT!!??

Even I can't believe I'm a wildly successful intellectual.

Here, you won't see things staring at the television:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy8iUI_ayuo