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Hilarious stuff...

Farting Penis

HI,

Not too sure where to start but I'm a 24 year old male with a VERY humiliating problem (at least to me). My PENIS farts. This is what my lastest girlfriend called it. Although she says it's the cutest and sexiest thing she's ever seen, I cant begin to express how embarassing this is to me.

It can be anything from a soft wet whistling sound to a very loud popping or air escaping quickly sound. Yes, just like regular fart but much higher pitched and can be about 5x as loud. (coming out of a smaller hole, I guess). During a typical hand job my PENIS can fart up to 30 times. My girlfriend seems to love it but I feel like crying. The gentlest squeeze especially at the base can elicit a fart but the worst is when I orgasm.

This is not a health issue as I've been doing this all me life. It doesnt hurt, in fact the vibrations alone can initiate an orgasm. Just humiliating. Most women dont say anything, some laugh but every girl who has witnessed this seems to be mesmerized by it.

I know women like confident men but I just cannot seem to get comfortable with this and I feel it is ruining my life. Girls talk and I feel like the talk of the town. High school was a nightmare.

My question is: Are my the only one. Has anyone else experienced this? I've checked books, done internet searches etc., but can't find anything related to my problem. I dont feel that I can cure the problem but how can I be more comfortable with it.

How would you feel if you met a man who was attractive, kind, sensitive and sincere but PENIS farted?

Sorry if I was being too graphic but I felt like I finially needed a womens opinion.

Thank you for your help and concern. Best Wishes

We were talking about this with a friend earlier: WHY ARE WHITE PEOPLE SO ANGRY AT BLACKS?

and we came up with this answer: they're jealous!

Let's see why:
1) We got awesome resistance against the sun. Enjoy being burned
2) We are more fit, we can outrun any white male anytime
3) We got bigger dicks
4) Girls dig us better
5) We have very wide social circles. White people have forgot how to live in society
6) We got rhythm. We can dance, rap, sing, make music, you name it!
7) A black chick wouldn't date a white boy. On the other hand, white girls would drop their white boyfriend anytime for a black guy if given the chance
8) We're simply cooler. Admit it, maybe it wasn't the case some 200 years ago, but nowadays being white sucks whereas being black is cool as hell
9) We got a sense of what family is about
10) We get MANY children so that our genes will last long on this mother****ing earth, not like your average pathetic 2 children
11) If you don't die a virgin, and happen to get a daughter... chances are she'll be sucking and swallowing black dicks

I could be going on and on and on but you get the point by now

Enjoy being white, sucker

You've got to help me, /b/. I've done something horrible.

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend. When I saw them together, I got so furious, I slit their throats with my pocketknife. Then, I buried the two bodies and my mom got scared

And said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air."

I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

Earlier during class I excused myself to go use the restroom. When I got there it was the usual cigarette butts in the toilets and ashes on the floor. This time though a couple students where cutting class and smoking marijuana in the bathroom.

At first they tried to hide it but then realizing it was too late they asked me if I wanted to smoke. Obviously a joke since I don't associate myself with the scumbag stoner group in school. I replied with a witty remark I once heard on a anti-drug program we watched in health class. "I can't get high I don't have a pilot's license," I said.

I then stormed out of the bathroom and straight to the principals office to inform him that people are smoking marijuana in the bathroom.

You marijuana smokers disgust me. You all listen to shitty classic rock and smell like garbage. I never see any of you with any nice looking girls. They are just a bunch of dirty junkies like you guys.

wow... today was a joke. This morning i hopped in the shower after cutting my chin and mustache 8 times with my worthless disposable razor, felt some pain while washing my face, realized they were raised welts (cystic acne). I opened the shower curtain and looked straight down at the tile, i was so close to getting out and swinging on the tiles as hard as i could... i must have stared at them for 5 minutes. But anyway, i get out and feel a really strong urge to use the bathroom... i normally hold it for 3 or 4 days cause i hate doing #2 lol.... But this was day 5... and i HAD to go. NOW.

I sat on the toilet after i got dressed and took a half diarrhea, half solid release. The solid part was so thick and wide that i honestly felt some of the worst pains of my life during the pushing. I started pulling up my pants right as the last bit fell out, tightened my belt and flushed the toilet... See i never believed in wiping before, thought it was a waste of time and what not, ... I mean I never get anything from wiping anyway so wtf is the point... right?

holy god was i wrong... i got to school and felt solid clumps deep between my cheeks, i figured my boxers were bunched up or summat. Right as i made it to my first period door i thought i felt something wet against my boxers... when i sat down my hypothesis was correct.. i had feces on them, and could start to smell them slightly. The damned room must have been 90 degrees, heat blowing because a computer malfunctioned, my ass and back started to sweat profusely and i had to make as little movement as possible to avoid disrupting it anymore. My teacher called me up to get a test paper, I thought about telling him to just throw it away, but of course i had to be an ideot and go up to get it, i walked by one kid and he said "dude you smell like bbq or something" My face got so red and everyone started saying "holy ****, you smell bad man, did you shower???"

I ignore them and get back to my desk... i take a look back at the board and notice a black dot on the ground, kids started questioning what it was and my heart started RACING. One kid sniffed it and exclaimed "OH MY GOD, ITS POOP!!!!" at this point the class was laughing excessively, i put my head down on my desk and smelled FUMES coming out from below it, i looked down and there was **** smeared all over the tile floor and on the bottoms of my jeans.

I ran full speed out the door, walked home and ended up punching my dads laptop on the way in and breaking the screen, he still isn't home, its gonna be hell when he sees it. I can honestly say im dropping out of school and enlisting in the marines, im NEVER showing my face at high school again. I mean it doesnt matter anyway, my GPA is 1.2 and im a 19 year old sophmore.

Hey Faggots,

My name is John, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day looking at stupid ass pictures. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any *****? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures on facebook.

Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and starter on my basketball team. What sports do you play, other than "jack off to naked drawn japanese people"? I also get straight A's, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; **** was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It's me and my bitch

guys, you'll never believe what just happened no less than 15 minutes ago. so my sister and her boyfriend came home while i was watching tv and they went into the kitchen to get some drinks. while in the kitchen they were doing their whole lovey dovey thing and kissing and playing grab-ass and what not, and it was unappealing to me, so i went up to my room. a few minutes later, i heard them enter into my sister's room and then some rustling occured. i thought nothing of it, they were probably just making out again on her bed. then i heard her scream and i got worried so i ran over to her room, and opened the door, got on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur! open to door, get on the floor, everbody walk the dinosaur! BOOM BOOM ACKLAKKALAKKA BOOM BOOM BOOM ACKLAKKALAKKA BOOM!

Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****'s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little **** he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "****! ****!." Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "****! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! ****!". By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Ma'am, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm... I'm ****ING HIV POSITIVE." And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mom isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the **** she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. I'm not really HIV Positive, but that little **** must've gotten in a ****heap of trouble.

My favorite so far...


Okay so at my school we have faculty advisers that are assigned to students according to their last names. The faculty advisers help students with scheduling conflicts, general questions, help with internships/employment, etc. My adviser is named Jess Depew and as you can see she's pretty hot. The picture doesn't really do her justice but they're all I've got at the moment. She's like 25 and she's only been at the school a few years. Anyway, I have been looking into getting an internship at a TV station or something over the summer, and the school helps coordinate these things with an internship database that's maintained by the advisers. You log on with your school ID and password and you can browse internships and stuff. I was having trouble logging on to mine so I went to go see Ms. Depew. That's where all the trouble started.

Firstly, I walked into office like 15 minutes early like an idiot and she's in the middle of lunch. So I awkwardly make stupid stall talk until she's finished.

"Oh, hey, what are you eating?"
"Salmon. I love it. I eat it practically everyday."
"Just salmon? That's pretty weird." Why the hell did I say this?
"Oh, well, I don't know. I try to eat healthy, natural foods...you know, like wild berries and honey and stuff."
"Yeah, I like food too." *facepalm*

Man, I was so nervous. Anyway, we finally begin squaring my stuff away. She looks up what I registered with in the beginning of the year. This is when the crap really hit the fan. This is how the conversation went:

"Okay, you're account name is [my name] and your password is ...'depewissexy'..."

Oh damn. I completely forgot that I put that as my password in the beginning of the year. What the hell was I thinking? It was probably the longest 20 seconds of my life before I finally got my balls together to stand up and leave. Just as I walk out the door she says,

"In the future, you might want to bear in mind what kind of things you want keep to yourself."

I was so freaking embarrassed I wanted to kill myself right then and there. I wanted to run the hell out of there and never, ever see her again. But something about what she just said kept me standing in her doorway. I decided to man up and apologize. I turned to her, looked her straight in the eyes, and swallowed my pride. And then, it hit me like a train full of bricks.

She was eating Salmon.

She tries to eat all healthy, natural foods, like wild berries and honey.

She told me that I might want to bear in mind what kind of things I want to keep to myself.

Ms. Depew was a bear disguised as a human.

[Mortimer]

winnah winnah chicken dinnah!!!

[Mortimer]

But what is this?

Is this someones internet diary something?

I was sitting alone at home one night, curled up in a blanket on the couch. I was watching "Sex in the City" and I heard a knock at the door. I got up, and looked out the peephole. It was Kobe Bryant. I was very surprised, I do not know him personally. I opened the door and let him in, because hey, its not like a huge NBA star is there to rob you or anything! After he stepped in the foyer, he grabbed me and made me swallow my chewing gum. I immediately blurted out that was a horrible thing to do because it will stay in there for 7 years! Kobe began laughing incredibly hard, then grabbed me again. Before I could even scream, he was ripping off my pants and lowering my panties, "jamming" his enormous dong into my tight, but willing cunny. He truly began raping me viciously in every hole, but it wasnt rape. I hadn't had sex in the past year, and I really needed this. Especially from such a well endowed man. As he thrusted in and out, he picked me up and moved me into the kitchen. I didnt have any idea why. He opened the freezer and removed my frozen pre-made chicken nuggets. He popped them in the microwave and continued his sexual escapade. Kobe began sniffing loudly, pulling in immense amounts of air through his huge negro nostrils. "Whats wrong, Kobe? Keep Thrusting!" I yelled, as I was nearing climax. But he continued sniffing uncontrollably. He then dropped me on the floor, reached in the microwave and grabbed the plate of nuggets. The worst thing ever happened next. He grabbed each nugget, smelled it, licked it, and then jammed it right into his anus. Before long, Kobe's anus was full of Tyson's very best nuggets, and I was masturbating to my second climax (I, however, did not notice him doing his thing with the nuggets). The next thing, however, was what shocked, surprised, and scarred me for life. Kobe walked over to me, and said "Ya hungry?" I said "Were you cooking those nuggets for us to eat? How thoughtful of you!" To my surprise, he said "No way bitch! Now eat up!" and he sat right down on my face and began to **** the nuggets, one by one, into my mouth. He exhibited amazing anal control, and surprisingly the **** encrusted nuggets tasted fabulous. Kobe has been coming over whenever the Lakers are in town for the past year ohh yeah.

Originally Posted by Mortimer

But what is this?

Is this someones internet diary something?

www.4chan.org

[MaTH716]

Originally Posted by Coach Pants

Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****'s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little **** he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "****! ****!." Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "****! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! ****!". By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Ma'am, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm... I'm ****ING HIV POSITIVE." And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mom isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the **** she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. I'm not really HIV Positive, but that little **** must've gotten in a ****heap of trouble.

[cowgirlintexas]

Just read this and wanted to share a smile. Did'nt really know where else to post it, so here it is...


WHY PARENTS DRINK

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the
worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the
letter.


Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than
I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that
we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
m ore children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Cody,

P.S.. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

I leaned down and smelled the seat where the super hot girls amazing ass sat for at least 5 minutes straight... It smelled like pure girl farts... a strong fart essence was present in the felt padded seat cushion, I started buggin out. I kept smelling the cushion for as long as the smell's odor retained it's embodiment. I was in heaven with the sexy fumes that only lasted a couple of minutes. I buried my face into the seat cushion smelling this HOT girls candy farts. I was so happy that day.

The Mother****ing Flash

Now, I don't know how many of you dogs of the scurviest sea read comics, but I do a big pile of comics. One thing that blows my mind is how completely insane the powers in the DC universe are. Look at Superman. This guy has more powers than French restaurants have ways to say "your taste in wine is atrocious". He has powers to do with every part of his body and then some. He forgets powers sometimes. He can shoot heat rays out of his eyes, frost breath from his mouth and red son radiation from his ass. He's that sort of crazy dude. All because he absorbs solar radiation.

Look at Batman. His power? The anti-power. Sure, he should be some tame, kung fun master of not much, but instead he's the hottest **** to ever **** on a plate. You got a power? He'll find your weakness and give you seizures or heart attacks. He'll light you on fire when you're sleeping or make you recharge your green lantern ring in the power outlet. Ten thousand volts of **** you batman. That's Batman.

But the ****ing Flash, my god, my ****ING GOD, this man has the greatest powers of all. If Superman's powers are being sucked off by twin super models and batman coming home to discover your wife is not only bisexual but has two friends she wants you to 'get in on' then the Flash is an orgy with a thousand women who also want to pay your World of Warcraft billing. And click the mouse for you. This man is just that ****ing hot. They have to power him down in the comics half the time just to keep him from doing everyone else's job.

Ok first off, he can travel at lightspeed. Mother ****! Not only does he travel at lightspeed, but time slows down for him. So he feels like he's having a casual jog or reading the paper, meanwhile, his feet are moving so fast you can hear him coming from Montana while he's already gotten to Arizona. That's ****ing fast. But wait! The ability to move at Lightspeed just isn't ****ing enough!

I know! Christ this guy can punch you so many times in a second you've been hit five times in the cock and two times everywhere else. You think you're about to fight the Flash and then it hits you, for the last split second he's beaned your beanbags with more blows than you had sperm. But no, there's more!

The Flash can also vibrate through walls. Now last I heard, you can not move so fast you can vibrate through walls, so what actually happens is the Flash is so fast he can pick and choose the movement of his individual molecules and move them through other solid objects, phasing through solid matter like it ain't no thing. I mean you think a guy who runs at lightspeed would run into **** but no, the Flash just goes right through them. To top that with a cherry and some whipped cream (which the Flash made in like a millisecond, ****er) he can selectively choose to cause objects to be "okay" afterwards or ****ING EXPLODE. That's right. He can run through you and make you blow up by transfering kinetic energy into you. Like Jesus. IT's bad enough you can't hit this guy, but he doesn't even have to punch you. Now your testicles have exploded and you're thinking you're about to hit him. Jesus? Just give it up. He's the ****ing Flash.

Now imagine that somehow there's someone who can get around the Flash blowing your balls up secret ninja technique. Ok. He can also control the flow of energy between objects. This power makes no sense but basically he can throw a rock at you, and you think it's going slow and then he's like WHOOHOOO WIZARDLY FLASH POWERS and bam it's going at lightspeed. So he can throw seven million rocks at you in a second then make them all goes different speeds thus striking your nads with seven million rocks one after the other.

But wait! There's more! He can also take energy from the very power of speed and make clothes out of it. Yes. Flash makes his pants out of GOES FAST. The man is so fast he can make Flash pants that GOES FAST go right into. I don't even start to understand the physics of that but basically SPEED == REALLY TIGHT UNDERWEAR AND COOL LIGHTNING THINGIES OVER THE EAR. You would think this is the end of it but ok let's say Flash is fighting Superman and **** he's going to lose and **** how is Superman THIS ****ing strong? I don't know he must be Superman fused with Batman into some sort of guy with tons of plans on how to punch you far harder than anyone else ok to end it off the Flash can GO BACK OR FORWARD IN TIME ON COMMAND.

How do you beat this dude? You're thinking you're hashing him good, laying down the beatdown, missing your balls and suddenly BAM YOUR MOM FELL DOWN THE STAIRS TWENTY YEARS AGO and there's a dent in your forehead and Superman not thunk so gud no more. Actually she didn't fall down the stairs the Flash put speed into them so they fell up her! **** you Flash! You moved the stairs to Soviet ****ing russia! RUSH-A! Bitch.

Oh, and lastly his greatest power is he isn't fast in bed. He takes it slow and gets all the ladies with his superpowers then actually satisfies them in the sack. Who the Hell is this guy? You'd think he could AT LEAST be a premature ejaculator since his penis is moving at lightspeed but NOOOO he's even good in bed.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Wolverine sucks cock and should go die in a freak greasefire.

How To Treat Your Woman

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "…because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold…and not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but guys think it's funny.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Don't call