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#1
08-13-2006, 02:43 PM
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Joke of the Day
Feel free to add yours.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4thgrade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary",said the teacher. "It sure was", said thelittle girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F**k," the Rottweiler ate him!" 
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#2
08-13-2006, 04:46 PM
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That was hilarious.
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#3
08-13-2006, 05:25 PM
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Teasing the Gorilla
A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest. The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin. She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. “Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him,” says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips. Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. “Now tell HIM you have a headache.”
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#4
08-13-2006, 06:02 PM
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Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
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#5
08-13-2006, 09:05 PM
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Quote:
How do we know men invented maps? Who else would make an inch into a mile?
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#6
08-14-2006, 09:53 AM
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I was in line at the grocery store picking up a bag of dog food for my dogs when the lady behind me asks, "Do you have a dog?" "No", I said, "I'm on the dog food diet." "Dog food diet, what's that?" she asked. I said "Whenever I leave the house, I fill both pockets with dog food and when i get hungry i just reach in and eat two pieces of food. The last time I was on this diet I lost 50 pounds, but I ended up in the hospital." "Oh no!", she said, "was the food poisoned?" I told her, "No, I was laying in the middle of the road licking my balls when a car hit me!!"
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#7
08-14-2006, 10:23 AM
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There were 2 Zebras walking down the road and younger Zebra was losing sleep wondering if they were black with white strips or white with black strips. He asked his friend and he didn't know, but suggested that he try to ask God before he went to sleep at night. Well weeks went by with no answer to the question. Then one morning the young Zebra told his friend that in his dream last night that he was talking to God and asked if they were black with white strips or white with black strips? The young Zebra said the answer confused him because God just said "you are what you are".
His elder friend said that's your answer we are white with black strips! The younger Zebra asked him to please explain why. Well if we were black with white strips God would of said " you is what you is"
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#8
08-15-2006, 04:47 PM
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The Life Cycle
I think the life cycle is all backwards You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
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#9
08-15-2006, 08:23 PM
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uummm....against my better judgement...Kev wins..with DTS auction tale a close 2nd!
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#10
08-15-2006, 09:24 PM
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Timm,
Who the hell appointed you as humor critic? Post one and we'll all either laugh or judge. Put up or shut up. DTS
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#11
08-15-2006, 09:48 PM
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Little grouchy,dude! Other thread for that. I said yours was very good,quit bitching. Tsk Tsk Later
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#12
08-16-2006, 05:33 AM
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An old lady is riding in an elevator in a lavish New York building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance", by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, and also very arrogantly says "Chanel #5 $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks at both women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
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#13
09-08-2006, 10:27 PM
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Difference in Men and Women
 1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale. 4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument. 6.CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does. 10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 12. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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#14
09-09-2006, 06:30 PM
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Good one GPK!
On a similar theme... Bridging the gap between the sexes A man was walking down the beach watching the tides roll in. He's walking along and comes across a genie bottle. He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. "I'll give you two wishes for freeing me" the genie informs him. "What's your first wish?" Genie asks. "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. Can you build a bridge from California to Hawaii?" the man asks. The Genie thinks about this for a few moments and then tells the guy "Well, It will take alot of materials, alot of time and a lot of planning. It's almost impossible. Tell me what your second wish would be." The guy thinks for a few minutes and then says "Well, I've always wondered how women think. What makes them the way they are and what makes them tick?" The genie looks at the guy and asks "How many lanes you want that bridge?"
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#15
09-09-2006, 08:45 PM
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Quote:
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#16
09-11-2006, 12:48 PM
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Good one Mera.
Today's... "Oh My God" An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!" "Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "$200", he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"
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#17
09-15-2006, 02:56 PM
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Science Class
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??" Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore and said to the class, "Anybody?" " Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!!!
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#18
11-12-2006, 10:03 AM
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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question her eplied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that broke back mountain **** in our garden."
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#19
11-12-2006, 11:46 AM
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The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch
__________________
 Seek respect, not attention.
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#20
11-12-2006, 12:18 PM
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2 Hot and Pais,
Pretty good ones. I'll stay with the blonde theme.. The Blonde and the Coke Machine There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
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