Favorite Monty Python lines

[my miss storm cat]

Someone asked me what some of mine were and I've been laughing like a complete and total moron all day. I'll be driving and remember another one and another one and, before too long, the people in the next car are looking at me like i'm, well.....

What are some of yours?

[Downthestretch55]

I loved the skit about the pet shop with the dead parrot.
"Why doesn't he speak?"
"He's sleeping."

Still laugh everytime I remember it.

[ArlJim78]

Oh man there are soooo many, each movie is loaded with them.

One that comes to mind quickly is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail,
when King Arthur is battling the Black Night. After he has hacked off both of the Black Night's arms he says to him" you have no arms!"

The black night says " it's just a flesh wound"

[Downthestretch55]

Another favorite...The Hungarian Phrase Book

Text on screen: "In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarian (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists' shops to buy cigarettes ..."

A Hungarian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk (Terry Jones). The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.

Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."

Clerk: "Sorry?"

Hungarian: "I will not buy this record, it is scratched."

Clerk: "Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's."

Hungarian: "Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched."

Clerk: "No, no, no, no. Tobacco ... um ... cigarettes." (holds up a pack)

Hungarian: "Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh ... my hovercraft is full of eels."

Clerk: "Sorry?"

Hungarian: "My hovercraft ..." (pantomimes puffing a cigarette) "... is full of eels." (pretends to strike a match)

Clerk: "Ahh, matches!"

Hungarian: "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant ... do you waaaaaant ... to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy?"

Clerk: "Here, I don't think you're using that thing right."

Hungarian: "You great poof."

Clerk: "That'll be six and six, please."

Hungarian: "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I ... I am no longer infected."

Clerk: "Uh, may I, uh ..." (takes phrase book, flips through it) "... Costs six and six ... ah, here we are." (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)

Hungarian punches the clerk. Meanwhile, a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.

Cop: "What's going on here then?"

Hungarian: "Ah. You have beautiful thighs."

Cop: (looks down at himself) "WHAT?!?"

Clerk: "He hit me!"

Hungarian: "Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime." (points at clerk)

Cop: "RIGHT!!!" (drags Hungarian away by the arm)

Hungarian: (indignantly) "My nipples explode with delight!"

Scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.

Characters: Judge - Terry Jones; Bailiff - Eric Idle; Lawyer - John Cleese; Cop - Graham Chapman; Publisher - Michael Palin.

Bailiff: "Call Alexander Yalt!" (voices sing out the name several times)

Judge: "Oh, shut up!"

Bailiff: (to publisher) "You are Alexander Yalt?"

Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) "Oh, I am."

Bailiff: "Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?"

Publisher: "I am."

Bailiff: "You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?"

Publisher: "Not guilty."

Bailiff: "You live at 46 Horton Terrace?"

Publisher: "I do live at 46 Horton Terrace."

Bailiff: "You are the director of a publishing company?"

Publisher: "I am the director of a publishing company."

Bailiff: "Your company publishes phrase books?"

Publisher: "My company does publish phrase books."

Bailiff: "You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?"

Publisher: "Yes."

Bailiff: (strikes a gong) "Ah! Got him!"

Lawyer and cop applaud, laugh.

Judge: "Get on with it, get on with it."

Bailiff: "That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book."

Publisher: "I did."

Bailiff: "I quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning 'Can you direct me to the station?' is translated by the English phrase, 'Please fondle my bum.'"

Publisher: "I wish to plead incompetence."

Cop: (stands) "Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?"

Judge: "An adjournment? Certainly not!"

The cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.

Judge: "Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?"

Cop: "I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord."

Cut to ancient footage of old women applauding.

One of my favorites ... or should I write "favourites" ... was the "Summarizing Proust" competition ... or should I write "summarising" ... in which contestants had 30 seconds to summarize the collected works of Marcel Proust.

When all of the contestants failed miserably ... the host of the show ... Eric Idle ... said, "Since none of our contestants were able to summarize Proust ... I'll just give the award to the girl with the biggest tits."

At which point a bimbo in a bikini ran out onto the stage ... and accepted the Summarizing Proust trophy ... a very clever put-down of intellectual pomposity.

[whorstman]

King Arthur: Old woman.

Dennis: Man.

King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

Dennis: I'm 37.

King Arthur: What?

Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.

King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".

Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".

King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.

Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?

King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur: Well I am king.

Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

King Arthur: I am your king.

Woman: Well I didn't vote for you.

King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.

Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]

King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.

Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.

Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.

Dennis: Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

King Arthur: Bloody peasant!

Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn't you?

I had to look it up, but the moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me line kills me!