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#181
12-09-2006, 12:53 PM
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An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me everytime I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"
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#182
12-09-2006, 02:24 PM
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Chinese Jews
Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?" The waiter said, "I no know. I go to kitchen and ask manager." After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."
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#183
12-09-2006, 05:10 PM
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I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might
be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written. I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while.... Try to memorize this poem by next December..... " WINTER " a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre ****, It's Cold!
__________________
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new at all. Abraham Lincoln
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#184
12-11-2006, 11:39 AM
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Fart football
The old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and Says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says" Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressures on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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#185
12-13-2006, 09:12 AM
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__________________
I'm like evil, I get under your skin Just like a bomb that's ready to blow 'Cause I'm illegal, I got everything That all you women might need to know
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#186
12-13-2006, 11:11 AM
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This one is for my Jewish friends that will celebrate Hanukkah on Friday at sundown.
Hanukkah at the Deli During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. “Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?” The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... “Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English.”
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#187
12-13-2006, 11:12 AM
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Quote:
 Are you saying that I'm evil? Douchebag... 
__________________
http://www.facebook.com/cajungator26
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#189
12-13-2006, 11:29 AM
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Quote:
__________________
http://www.facebook.com/cajungator26
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#190
12-13-2006, 12:49 PM
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Cajun,
Women know...men don't. Here's another bit of Jewish humor... A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays. "The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
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#191
12-14-2006, 12:59 PM
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Chili
A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
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#192
12-14-2006, 02:53 PM
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The lqast one was a bit gross. This one is "cute".
Math A little boy was doing his math homework: He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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#193
12-15-2006, 11:18 AM
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While looking for a recipe to put in the Derby Trail cookbook, I came across these. I honestly have no clue....
Foreign Menus The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants: Menu Items: Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland Boiled Frogfish - Europe Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan **** in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China French Creeps - L.A. French fried ships - Cairo Fried fishermen - Japan Fried friendship - Nepal Garlic Coffee - Europe Goose Barnacles - Spain Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam Prawn **** and tail - Cairo Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong Roasted duck let loose - Poland Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe Strawberry crap - Japan Sweat from the trolley - Europe Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan Toes with butter and jam - Bali
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#194
12-15-2006, 01:32 PM
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The Hannukah Sweater
A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't, like the other one?"
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#195
12-16-2006, 11:55 AM
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How a Christmas tradition began...
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree
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#196
12-17-2006, 10:33 AM
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Christmas Parrot
One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?" The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells". It was a Christmas Parrot called Chet. The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas." The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?" The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see." When the match was placed between the feet of the Christmas parrot, the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire."
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#197
12-17-2006, 12:39 PM
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Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Chief Priest said to him "Brother John,you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here."
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#198
12-17-2006, 03:43 PM
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Priest & Rabbi Share Car
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car! The rabbi hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
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#199
12-19-2006, 11:35 AM
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Marta Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows ‘98. December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 31 New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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#200
12-20-2006, 11:29 AM
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Answering Machine Answers
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers... ~~~~~ My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. ~~~~~ A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. ~~~~~ Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. ~~~~~ Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. ~~~~~ Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. ~~~~~ Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. ~~~~~ Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. ~~~~~ This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. ~~~~~ Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. ~~~~~ Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. ~~~~~ If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. ~~~~~ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. ~~~~~ Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. ~~~~~ Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
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