Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[witchdoctor]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said:

"Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[Oaklawnfan]

^^^^^ Classy!

[SuffolkGirl]

Farah Fawcett gets to Heaven and God says he can grant her one wish,, she wishes for all the children in the world to be safe and happy,, so He killed Michael Jackson

[herkhorse]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole,
we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'
'We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.'
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!
I don't remember much after that...'

[satan's twin]

After 20 years of marriage, a guy and his wife went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they ever had in their 20 years they had been together. She went on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Allowing this to go on for a suffient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped off her bra and starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts and then kissed them. The therapist gives a side glance at the husband before he puts his hand up the wife's skirt and rips her g-string off. The husband watches this with his eyebrows raised and his mouth wide open. The wife, flushed and in a total daze, tried to cover herself before she sat down quietly.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "Now do you understand? This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[geeker2]

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing he realized
that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in
front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her in
the head, killing her instantly. A few days later, Verne gets a call
from the coroner regarding the autopsy.

Coroner: Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma
to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the head, is
that correct?

Verne: Yes, sir, that is correct.

Coroner: Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her a$$.

Verne: Was it a Titlist 3?

Coroner: Yes, it was.

Verne: That was my provisional.

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Q. What's a seals least favorite drink ?




A. Canadian Club on the rocks !

[satan's twin]

Two Mexicans are on bicycles about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. The trucker tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans convince the driver they can fit into the back with their bikes and ask him to take them into town. The Mexicans manage to squeeze themselves and their bikes into the back. The driver shuts the door and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so he puts the hammer down. Sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The blonde officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs." The blonde lady cop doesn't believe this so she wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on the radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The Dispatcher asks what's the emergency that requires so many officers. The blonde repied, "I've got a tractor-trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a couple bikes."

[SOREHOOF]

Jermaine Jackson was overheard at Michaels funeral saying he hadn't seen him so stiff since Macauley Culkin spent the night.

[herkhorse]

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.

After having a great sex , she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bits, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'

[witchdoctor]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[herkhorse]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know,

fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[GBBob]

What do the Cubs and Yankees have in common?


Neither has won a World Series in their new Stadium.

[dellinger63]

Guts or Balls.

> There is a medical distinction.
> We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know
> the difference between them ? In an effort to keep you informed, the
> definitions are listed below:
>
> GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the
> guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
> 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

> BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the
> guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
> wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next,
> Chubby.'
>
> I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
> Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in
> death.

[witchdoctor]

Prison vs. Work...

In case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear....

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

[witchdoctor]

Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?" To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."

Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."

Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."

Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.

Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."

Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.

Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"

Susie waved the license in the air, and replied:

"It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Originally Posted by dellinger63

Guts or Balls.

> There is a medical distinction.
> We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know
> the difference between them ? In an effort to keep you informed, the
> definitions are listed below:
>
> GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the
> guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
> 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

> BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the
> guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
> wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next,
> Chubby.'
>
> I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
> Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in
> death.

BROXTON N' BILLINGSLEY have neither.

[herkhorse]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[herkhorse]

from one of the best dutch comic shows ever Koot & Bie:


this was shown on public tv back in the 70s
the joke being the subtitles tell a different story...

...sorry in advance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmH2O...layer_embedded

[3kings]

New Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th floors have never been visited.