Joke of the Day

[bogeydaman]

This is fitting considering the board we are on.

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees"
to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in
the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
seventh."

[Downthestretch55]

uhhh...that "thingee thing"

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female..... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[Downthestretch55]

Layoffs are Tough
--------------------

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

[timmgirvan]

Sarah was driving home from one of her business trips to Northern Arizona when she spotted an elderly Navajo women walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks , the old woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sarah tried in vain to make small talk with the woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything in the car, studying every detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sarah. "What's in the bag" asked the old woman. Sarah looked down at the brown bag and said "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband" the Navajo woman was silent for another moment. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said "Good trade"

[timmgirvan]

A husband is sitting watching TV. His wife comes into the room and smack him in the head with a newspaper. He says "What did you do that for?" She says angrily "I found this slip of paper in your wallet with the name Jenny on it! What's that all about?" After a pause, he says sheepishly "If you must know, I went to the track and that's the name of the horse I bet on" She says "Oh honey, I'm sorry" A few days later, the husband is again watching TV, and his wife comes in and conks him on the head with a frying pan! He wakes up after falling on the floor and asks "what did you do that for?" She says angrily "Your horse just called"

[timmgirvan]

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman "I'd like to buy some pink curtains" The salesman assures her they have a large selection,but after looking at several patterns the blonde has troble choosing. Finally, she chooses a pink floral print. The salesman asks her what size curtains she needs and the blonde replies "Fifteen inches" The salesman asks "what room are they for?" The blonde says that they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies "But miss, computers don't need curtains" The blonde says "Helllooo, I've got Windows!!

[timmgirvan]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her husband and asked for 20 dollars after their first lovemaking encounter. The husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time after they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way to pay for her clothes and incidentals. Arriving home one day at noon, she was shocked to find her husband in a drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his company was downsizing and that he'd been let go. He was fearful that he was financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed steady deposits, with interest and certificates of deposit it totalled close to 3 million dollars. She explained that for 3 decades she "charged" him for sex, and wisely invested it. Finally, the husband blurted out "If I'd had any idea you were doing this, I'd have given you all my business" THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM

[timmgirvan]

I urgently needed a few days off work,but I knew the Boss would never leat me take a leave. I thought that if I acted 'crazy' he might tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the light fixture and made funny noises. My co-worker(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing,and I told her I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was 'crazy' and give me some time off. A few minutes later, the boss came in and asked what I was doing. I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You're certainly stressed out! Why don't you go home and take a few days to recuperate?" I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker(the blonde) followed me, the Boss said "...and where do you think you're going?" (You're gonna love this..) She said 'I can't work in the dark!" It could work.

[Downthestretch55]

Thanks Timm for pitching in. Good ones!

Here's one for today.

Woman?

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

A WOMAN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a
remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied," but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax and pour it onto
your
upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a
spider.

[Downthestretch55]

I came across this resume. I'm guessing that this one posts here.
The "secret's" safe...
Resume

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

[Downthestretch55]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Hwjb]

A woman has a baby girl, her first child, and both the mother and father are over the moon. After holding the baby for a while, she gives him to the father, and the nurse asks if he wants to give her a bath. "Yes, of course," he replies, and the nurse tells him to go into the room next door and wash the little girl.
Five minutes later the nurse goes to see how they're getting on and finds the man with two fingers up the baby's nostrils pulling her along in the bath and attempting to wash her that way.
Appalled, the nurse exclaims, "that's not the way to do it."
The man replies, "it is when the water's this ****ing hot!"

[Hwjb]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine today... We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "magic".

"Wow!", I exclaimed, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm
a bit older and a bit bigger than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that
tubby men were cute.

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled.


So I told her to f*ck off.

[Downthestretch55]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

[Downthestretch55]

another golf joke...

Christians vs Jews on the course...

The Pope met with a Cardinal to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said the Cardinal, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

Two days later, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"SECOND?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "YOU LOST TO SHIMON PERES?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus calmly, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[Downthestretch55]

Stress Management:

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are chirping softly in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. There now, feeling better?

[timmgirvan]

A man takes his wife and mother-in-law on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there,the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told the man "You can have her shipped home for burial for 5,000, or you can bury her in the Holy Land for 150" The man thought about it and told him he'd just have to have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "why would you spend 5,000 to have your mother-in-law shipped home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only 150? The man replied "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance"

[timmgirvan]

A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says "Why in the world do you need cyanide"? She then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacists' eyes got big and he said "Lord, have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kind of bad things will happen! Absolutely Not. You can Not have any cyanide! Calmly, the woman reached inside her purse and pulled out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacists' wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied "Well now, you didn't Tell me you had a prescription!"

[Downthestretch55]

The Letter
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: "To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

[timmgirvan]

DTS: OH, The IRONY!