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#181
01-29-2010, 05:50 PM
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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of bullshit. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis." 
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#182
01-29-2010, 05:55 PM
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Don Cherry, of 'Hockey Night in Canada',was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but a thunderous applause from the audience.
He said, "If hooking up one raghead terrorists testicles to a car battery gets the truth out and saves just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say......Red is positive, black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet".
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#183
01-29-2010, 06:16 PM
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SENSITIVITY TEST FOR MEN
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: a. lovemaking b. screwing c. taking the pigskin bus to Tuna Town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared: a. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b. your blood test results c. five tiquila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that: a. your partner climaxes first b. you both climax simultaneously c. you don't miss ESPN Sports Center 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a. healthy, creative love-play b. not the sort of thing your wife would agree to c. not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is: a. the best part of the experience b. the second best part of the experience c. $100 extra 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained 5 pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: a. of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her b. not a problem, she can join your gym c. a conservative estimate 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a. a myth b. an oxymoron c. a complete moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as: a. an appetizer is to an entree b. primer is to paint c. a long line is to an amusement park ride 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying: a. I hope we can still be friends b. I'm not in right now. Please leave a message at the beep. c. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masterbate: a. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy b. is uptight and a waste of time c. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place EVALUATING RESULTS 1. If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to see if the meat whistle is still attached. 2. If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused. 3. If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!!
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#184
01-29-2010, 06:26 PM
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but he only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were going out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
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#185
01-29-2010, 08:52 PM
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Quote:
Very prolific tonight Mr. Twin
__________________
"but there's just no point in trying to predict when the narcissits finally figure out they aren't living in the most important time ever." hi im god quote
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#186
01-30-2010, 12:54 PM
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Man vs. Woman........
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and yells, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen...
__________________
I l  Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton
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#187
02-13-2010, 12:06 PM
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__________________
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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#188
02-25-2010, 09:22 AM
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ----------------------------------------------------------  
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#189
02-25-2010, 09:24 AM
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The Natural Laws of Golf:
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ... For a 10 on that hole. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts It's not a gimme if you're still away. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
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#199
02-28-2010, 10:06 PM
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__________________
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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