Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[herkhorse]

New golf terms
> >
> >
> > A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.
> >
> > A 'Saddam Hussein'- from one bunker into another.
> >
> > A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
> >
> > A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.
> >
> > A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
> >
> > An 'O.J.'- got away with one.
> >
> > A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
> >
> > A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.
> >
> > A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.
> >
> > A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.
> >
> > A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.
> >
> > A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.
> >
> > A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.
> >
> > A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.
> >
> > A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.
> >
> > A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.
> >
> > A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.
> >
> > A 'Hitler'- two shots in the bunker.
> >
> > A 'Monica Lewinsky' - all lip, no hole.
> >
> > A 'Sister-In-Law' - You know you're up there, but you shouldn't be.
> >
> >

[Oaklawnfan]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten liar before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

[herkhorse]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady
of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't
happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the
woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure", she said with a
slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance
and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of
Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked
over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this
pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might
as well finish it."

[MaTH716]

Not a joke, but I thought it was pretty funny.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

[timmgirvan]

Originally Posted by MaTH716

Not a joke, but I thought it was pretty funny.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

wise beyond your years

[Princess Doreen]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[herkhorse]

So this couple is going at it like crazy in bed when they notice their little son standing in the door. Dad panics and yells "get out!", but once he gets his senses back he goes to talk to him. He's not in his room. He hears some sounds from the room next door, goes in to find his son humping his grandma like the world was going to end. He yells out "WHAT THE F**K are you doing?!" The son looks up and says "It's not so fun when it's _your_ mom, is it?"

[herkhorse]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[Princess Doreen]

Originally Posted by herkhorse

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Old joke - Flip Wilson.

A classic Flip Wilson joke:

"I am still under a great deal of depression, I attended a funeral of a very very good friend by the name of George. George died. And last Sunday morning I didn't have anything to do and I figured that I would go by the funeral parlor where George was and see how they handled the final arrangements. And his wife was very excited, you know she's never had quite a large sum of money like this before. She ran in and ran up to the coffin and the undertaker had George laid out in a brown suit. She said to him how come you have George laid out in brown? The undertaker said well lady I went through my stock, brown suits were all I had left and I figured that George looked pretty nice in brown so I dressed him in brown. The woman said well George doesn't like brown. She said George likes blue. And George wants to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker said now look lady today's Sunday, all the stores are closed. He said there's no place open to get a blue suit today. And the woman said that's your problem. For the money that I'm paying for this you're gonna do it like I want it done. Now I'm going down the street to get some flowers for George and I'll be gone five minutes and when I come back I want you to have George in a blue suit. Shoom! Gone. Five minutes later she ran back in, ran over to the coffin, looked down and George ahs a blue suit on. She turned to the fella and said I thought you said the stores were closed? And the fella said they are lady. She said well where did you get the blue suit from? Fella said well right after you left they brought in another Fella who'd split and he had a blue suit on so I figured that I'd dress him in George's brown and do George up in his blue. The lady said but I was just gone five minutes, how'd you change the suits so fast? Fella said I didn't change the suits lady I switched the heads."

[SCUDSBROTHER]

http://soundcloud.com/scuds/sets/scuds

1st 5 seconds is for Zig. The rest is not. These two have been asked to perform it (at a State Dinner) in front of Obama when he visits Turkey next year.

[Princess Doreen]

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people
ACTUALLY said in court, WORD FOR WORD....

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: Is there any other kind?

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.


LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth
and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But","The",
"Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down
the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his pe...
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good,
you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George

[Oaklawnfan]

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it…"

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?"

"What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast.

[Princess Doreen]

I did not snopes.com this to make certain quotes are correctly attributed, but it's funny:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat..
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

[AeWingnut]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he Saw two men along
the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to Investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
Man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They Are over there, under
that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
Us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer And said,
'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.'

[AeWingnut]

for some reason I really like these 2

Originally Posted by Princess Doreen

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

[satan's twin]

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs.

1% liked the warmth
2% liked the sensation
3% liked the eroticism



94% just liked the peace and quiet

[herkhorse]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked:
“Whatcha doing, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

[herkhorse]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

[Arletta]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams
the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the
ground.
The little guy gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I thould rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[Indian Charlie]

When you got to the part about the twat, I was thinking the dwarf was smooth operator and the horse Zenyatta.