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#281
10-05-2010, 10:04 PM
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Quote:
 
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#282
10-05-2010, 10:05 PM
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Quote:
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#284
10-05-2010, 10:23 PM
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behave!!!
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#287
10-26-2010, 01:12 PM
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For people who think cats are just so brilliant:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecw1T...ure=grec_index http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjdvpHBNfo4&NR=1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GinTD...eature=related
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#288
10-26-2010, 01:58 PM
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Ouch! Poor kitties.
***** You might be able to relate to this - Author unknown - but whoever it is, they deserve a prize. I just want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.. I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot). Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about feces in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about myself because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO YOU I am to understand that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bottom. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . . Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. :-)
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I l  Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton
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#290
10-26-2010, 05:21 PM
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Stalk much?!~
__________________
I l Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton
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#292
10-26-2010, 05:45 PM
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I see all too clearly, Wamba.
__________________
I l Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton
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#294
10-26-2010, 05:52 PM
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Junk mail should not be handled - it should be immediately thrown out. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
__________________
I l Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton
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#297
11-06-2010, 08:45 AM
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One day in elementary school a teacher decides to have a quiz of thought provoking questions. She asks her student, little Tommy, the following question:
"If there are three crows sitting on a fence and I give you a rifle with two bullets, how many crows can you shoot?" Little Tommy thought then answered, "one, because when you shot, the other two would fly away." The teacher replied, "That's not exactly the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think." Then little Tommy said, "Now teacher, may I ask you a question?" "Sure," said the teacher. "Three women are sitting on the park bench with ice cream cones. The first women is eating her ice cream cone. The second is licking her ice cream cone and the third is sucking on her ice cream cone. Which one is married?" little Tommy asked. The teacher replied, "I suppose it's the one sucking on her ice cream cone." Tommy said, "NO IT'S THE ONE WITH THE WEDDING RING, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK!"
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#299
11-15-2010, 09:28 PM
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Quote:
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" the old man asks? The doctor replies, "It's a Ferrari--it cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because it can do up to 220 miles an hour!" the doctor states proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and then -- WHOOOOSSSHHH! -- something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph, and he's feeling pretty good -- that is, until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, the doctor floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing more the doctor can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor slams on the brakes and jumps out. Unbelievably, the old man is still alive. The doctors runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor...is there anything I can do for you ?" Out of breath and pale as a ghost, the old man whispers, "Could you please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"
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#300
11-15-2010, 10:14 PM
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__________________
Felix Unger talking to Oscar Madison: "Your horse could finish third by 20 lengths and they still pay you? And you have been losing money for all these years?!"
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