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#301
11-18-2010, 09:32 PM
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the Polite Way...............
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked one of her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'" The teacher fainted...  
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#302
11-18-2010, 09:36 PM
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Quote:
Oh that was a good one !!
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#308
11-19-2010, 11:49 AM
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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
Woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected: 1/2 gallon of 2% milk dozen eggs quart of orange juice head of lettuce 1 lb. can of coffee 1 lb. package of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.. Curiosity getting the better of her, She said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
__________________
I l  Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton
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#311
11-19-2010, 03:39 PM
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Irish jokes seem to be popular here -
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up. Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!" Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!" An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies. Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe". An answer I can understand ......... An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat"
__________________
I l Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton
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#312
11-19-2010, 05:43 PM
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#313
11-19-2010, 06:03 PM
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http://www.videobash.com/video_show/...falls-flat-411
She's precious. She promises. She ain't going out there again.
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#314
11-19-2010, 10:14 PM
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[quote=Princess Doreen;725387]Irish jokes seem to be popular here -
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up. Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!" Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!" An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies. Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe". An answer I can understand ......... An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat"[/QUOTE] Those are so good.
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#315
11-19-2010, 10:19 PM
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Quote:
__________________
I l Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton
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#317
11-21-2010, 10:34 AM
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Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO and he was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy at the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make about $400a week. Why?' The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!' The guy left without saying a word to the CEO. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
__________________
I l Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton
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#320
11-21-2010, 11:31 AM
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OOOOOO
Printheth's muff and Clydee-poo in tha same joke!
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