Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

Ever since I was called an "idiot", I've been scratchin' my head trying to figure out what the moron really meant. My guess is that I have plenty of company....

Stupid people stories
IDIOTS & RETAIL

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.



ps...They came and took away the deer crossing sign. I'm thinking they wanted Bambi to live too.

[Downthestretch55]

Comments At Your Funeral




3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

[Downthestretch55]

SCUBA Diving Wife


When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[Downthestretch55]

Soup

I went to a restaurant last night. I ordered the soup of the day (da jour).
Seems that it's never the same da jour two days in a row...
Anyway, the waitress delivers it to the table, and then I got the urge to use the bathroom.
So I took a napkin and wrote on it "Don't touch this soup, I spit in it."
I put it over the soup, hoping no one would touch it.
When I came back, some one had written "So did I".

[Downthestretch55]

Good News, Bad News, Worse News

My friend, Lenny got a call from his daughter today. She has been looking for a job, so when the phone rang, Lenny was excited to hear from her.

Lenny: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Dad, I have some good news! I got a job!
Lenny: That's good news!
Daughter: The bad news, I'm a hooker.
Lenny: Oh! That's bad news. Anything else?
Daughter: I think so...I'm making triple your salary.

If you see Lenny, buy him a cold one, and wish him a return from his binge before July.

[Downthestretch55]

Constipated Horse
A farmer goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet replies, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

The farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

The farmer responds, "The horse blew first."

[Downthestretch55]

A Conversation With Room Service In An Asian Hotel

A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in
Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye...Ruin sorbees...morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh...yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What?"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

Guest: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

Guest: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"

Guest: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

Guest: "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tos sy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

Guest: "You're welcome"

[Downthestretch55]

Questions People Asked To Park Rangers


These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around
the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths
of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121)

Grand Canyon National Park :

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?

Is the mule train air conditioned?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park :

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska):

What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park:

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

What did they worship in the kivas-- their own made-up religion?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

How much of the cave is underground?

So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this-- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:

Where are the cages for the animals? What time do you turn on Yosemite
Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park:

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

[Downthestretch55]

How To Cook A Turkey

How To Took A Turkey... huh?

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

[Downthestretch55]

Comedian Jon Stewart On Thanksgiving

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in
my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed
them and took their land."
- Jon Stewart, on The Jon Stewart Show

[Downthestretch55]

Turkey Funnies.......
http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebo...4/jokeid/80387

[Downthestretch55]

Difference Between Prison and Work !

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 4X6 cabin.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the tax-payers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

[timmgirvan]

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 yr old grandfather in a secluded,rural section of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away,the following morning Johns' grandfather prepared a breakfast of eggs,bacon a nd toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate and asked "Are you sure this dishes are clean"? His grandfather replied "the're as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal,Sonny!" For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again John was concerned as his plate appeared to have tiny specks of egg on the edges. He asked again "Are you sure these dishes are clean?" The old man barked " I told you before, they're as cold as cold water can get them...now I don't want to hear another thing about it" Later that afternoon,as John was leaving, the dog started growling and wouldn't let him get to his car. John yelled "Grandfather,your dog won't let me get to my car! Without diverting his attention from the game on tv, the old man shouted "Coldwater,GO LAY DOWN!

[Downthestretch55]

The Twelve Days Of Thanksgiving

On the First Day...
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day...
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day...
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day...
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be
celebrating Thanksgiving in April.

On the Fifth Day...
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of naked turkey
carcass.

On the Sixth Day...
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the
turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day...
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day...
The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day...
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day...
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day...
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day...
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen.

[Downthestretch55]

Naked Man

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel
was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her,
screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man
outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is
he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady,
pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving
around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to
bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only
see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

[cloud_break]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates
when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact
with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water
and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you
ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little
reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water
and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reva, What seems to
be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

[Downthestretch55]

Bush still has a job?


George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit; he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over the rights and needs of the population; he has destroyed trust and confidence in (and good will toward) the United States around the globe; he has ignored global warming, to the world's detriment; he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners; he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States; he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital national importance; and he has blatantly made millions of dollars personally from spiked gas prices.


Now, would someone please give him some head so we can have a legal reason to impeach him?

[Downthestretch55]

Boating issues


It was a the end of the day for the boaters on a small lake. One boat had not returned. The dock master could see the boat on the water. He calls out "Boat number 91, it's time to return to the dock!"

His boss hears him call out to boat 91. The boss says to the dock master, "We don't have a boat number 91."

At that, the dock master pauses, then turns to the boat on the water and calls out, "Boat number 16, do you have a problem?"

[Downthestretch55]

Crowd Control (Repent, been to Denver lately?)

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.

[Downthestretch55]

Fire truck
A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."