The Cleveland Sporty Page

[Arletta]

From the chosen one ~ Clyde


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Uh, Mr. Horsey:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGc7Wql2V2k


The Indians hitting is fairly awful.Refer to the 2 run barrage they served up to the mighty White Sox last night.The infield fielding does not field well.The starting pitching is still a guess after Klubber.

The NBA is akin to a Monopoly game.

I always hated Monopoly.

Hokey.


The Rams game;that was textbook Brownies.So familiar I am with that game as they have played it about a dozen times a year since returning.

But the good part is, we have another "Here's Johnny!!"

[horseofcourse]

Mr clyde-ee.

Tribe setting up for dominating 3 or 4 year run. For all their woes on offense they actually sit 5th in American League in Runs scored. 4 guys in rotation all power pitchers with great stuff. Just young. Since the trading of Masterson, starting pitching actually great. Carrasco found himself in bullpen....beastly since return. Bauer and Salazar just very young....patience grasshopper. Kluber oldest of 4 at 28. core of position players also all in mid to late 20s....Santana, Kipnis, Brantley, Gomes, Chisnehall. All very good. Kipnis having bad year, may be injured. Brantley star....Santana, great since permanent move to first base. I've been saying that for what 5 years now!! This is Chisnehall's first full year in the majors....once again patience!!

Great arms in bullpen too....also young guys, Allen, Shaw, Crockett, hagadone, etc.

Lot of these guys locked up for awhile too. They are going to be very, very good for a long time. May not make post season this year. They will from 2015 through 2018 every single year.

Mr Hockey and MR Queen have blinded all of Cleveland to whom is really building for greatness.....it's almost upon us right now. Believe it!!

[Arletta]

From Clyde


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You make me so angry!!


Mr.Horsey,I can agree with much of what you said but I am yakking about this year.Santana,in the last 2 months....has added 100 points (make that 100 poi.nts) to his average and that is now about .230.

.230! After ADDING 100 poi.nts!!

And the only reason he is at first is because he does the least amount of damage there.

Chisenhall( to keep things in balance,thoughtful guy that he is) has LOST 100 poi.nts!!

And the ONLY reason he is at third base is because Santana ISN'T!


The youthful pitching is going to breakdown under the pressure of that "play in" spot.Add in bad defense and this 2 to 3 runs a game as of late and -----pffft!!

How'd you like that last Brownie exhibition game? A complete reversal of form form the prior game.....statistically.But when you consider the Rams only played 3rd and 4th stringers....the result takes on a different hue.The Browns played against players most of who will not be on the Rams final roster!I know you agree they are abysmal,but this is for all sporty fans worldwide;especially my fine frenzied soccer fans from Nazi Portugal.

The Cavaliers got Love.

Yay.

'Ememer Carlos Boozer?


Ohio State should move up to No.1 after teaching Navy a lesson....and that lesson is: Never start passing when you are gobbling up running yardage like a fat boy at an all you can eat buffet.



And look at this brazen thuggish attack done to my family's high school football team.Garfield Heights----SHAME ON YOU ALL:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fgn_...VUVbA2iLytXQ0K




Do not disagree with me Mr.Horsey or I will send you into the NoAdvantage Zone.

[my miss storm cat]

I was asked to post this:

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Oh Mr. Horsey....where are you sir?

I'm afraid the tribe is just not gonna get there this year.No'um score'um enough runs.Might help to tighten up that defense too.Short is good now....time to send Kipnis and Chisenhall to left field.They are not exactly candidates for the Hoover All Defensive team.



Anyways! The Browns snatched victory from the jaws of defeat today???? Have they forgot the script? Should be the other way around,no?



Hey Dahla! What, no cheers for Wilson the Seahawks qb? Not enough sizzle with him?So much for R2D2,aye? Vick.....your shouts of "YAY!!" for that guy were a little premature.He be gone. Did ya know Johnny Rotten is an American Negro?

He is!!

Don't ya just love the guy?




The Ohio State What'stheirnames:

Ah don't thank so.

Suburban Meyer (Urb's son) should take over the team.



My family's other fb team:

http://www.maxpreps.com/high-schools...tball/home.htm



Aprilweather did it again against the dirtiest fighter this side of Roy Cut n' Shoot Harris. No wonder he wanted a rematch. His opponent's idea of defense is to protect his gloves with his face. Blech.




Not much going on the sporty world,SportyFans. Sorry about that one.Maybe S5P will try his hand at baseball to spice things up some.Do you think he'd want 9 strikes and your out as a hitter?

Ah do!



Adios Amigos!....and remember:






............................I forgot.

Oh well.

[Arletta]

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From Clyde

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Good afternoon to Sporty Fans all over the yard.

I mean the world.....of course.



Looks like the fix is becoming quite popular in college football.Congratulations to the Clemson player who I am quite sure received a large windfall for that "upsie!" last night.No need to worry about going high in the NFL draft when you can pick up a few hundred tho for timely butterfingers.

At least Vulvarene games needn't be fixed.

And hey....Mississippi State;it looked as though L-Less U would need osmosis to get back in that game.What?... was there late fixing going on regarding an L-Less U over/under in the final 5 minutes?? Really guys----that was awful.At least try to make it look clean.

Yow.

Now for the good news:The real Brownies are back.In a fit of dyslexia last Sunday,the Browns actually won a game in the last seconds.Spending extra time in practice all week,they found out what went wrong as they performed so admirably in the last 5 minutes of today's game.Just enough to turn success into carnage as the little football went sailing through the iconic goalposts as it came of the big ,fat foot of the Raven's place kicker------with no time left.

THAT is the way it's down,boys....great to have you back.

Back on the Field of Nightmares: The Tribe looked at film of that Browns/Saints game and, not wanting to let that same thing happen to them....they were able to turn a 4-3 lead in the 9th into a CONVINCING 5-4 defeat in the tenth at the hands of latest version of the '27 Yankess----the Minny-Sota Twats.I mean Twins.That being a game they really needed to win after Kansas City lost.

Their extraordinary work is really appreciated.

The Cavaliers ( blech!)....it's quite unreal.Now there will be a ten story photo of The Queen on the building next to the arena.That wall has been bare since the Hostile Witness left.Has hypocrisy ever been so well nourished?


Ohio State was idle this weekend as they prepare to play that rising national power,Cincinnati.Now, they are no Virginia Tech....but they may also employ a defense that Blurban&Company has never seen before in their lives.It doesn't seem to take much.

If you regularly bet on baseball like those NoAdvantage "fucl< the straight life" imbeciles ,well my God be with you and with your colossally dumb spirit.



Until next weekend when America once again losses it's shirt on sporty betting....Adios Amigos!!

[Arletta]

From the banned one ~ Clyde

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SportyFans....please.I don't have time for everything.Tom Peely from Brazil wrote:

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Mr. Collinwood: Why you do not cover soccer?

Mr. Peely:Because I hate short people.I don't cover tether ball as I hate tall people.So don't go trying to say I'm racist.

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OK?



Now, let us get to the Pigskin Clyde Picks!



Ohio State home to Cincinnati----Ohio could really vaporize Cincy and they could lose/win a close one.The only unknown for me is if Ohio has larnt to defend the forward pass.I'll take a chance and say go with Ohio State giving 14.

MinnySotah at the Vulvarenes----Take Minny-Sotah getting 7.TheVulvarenes' coaches are fighting among themselves and the players play a game Jack Nicklaus is unfamiliar with.

Westnorthern at StatePenn-----Take WN getting 10.

The Hosers home to the Maryland Sherr Co.----Take the Hosers giving 4.

And in the Game of the Week----Take those FightingVagini at the Corn****ers place getting 17.5.



The Tribe goes down not fighting.

The Brownies don't play.

And the Cavaliers play a game no hockey fan cares about.



Aprilweather will fight that SA guy for a 3rd time on November 25th.It's what the fans want.

Derek Jeter Worship is over....THANK YOU GOD!!!! These awful retirement announcements before the player's last season are truly abysmal.


That'll do 'er,SportyFans.

This is your fine sporty writer,Clyde Collinwood,signing off with his usual signature line: "'Indians Hitters!! TAKE STEROIDS already fer **** sakes!!!!

[Arletta]

A message from Clyde




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Welcome to another edition of Cleveland Sporty Page.And welcome to hour new audience from the Andromeda Galaxy.They play their sports nikkidie over there;and it's girls sports only so huge high fives to all Andromedaens.


Anyhoo----first 3 fb games right,last 2 wrong from Saturday.

I think this means I should stick to picking 3.

So it be.


Ohio State still has an itty bitty trouble defending that doggone new fangled contraption:The forward pass.This is not good.The Maryland Sherr Oir team can throw pretty well,although their defense.....isn't bad either.Here's the angle this fine sporty writer will play.Maryland had to be very high playing their first BT game at the Hosers,while the Hosers probably had a let down after beating the ranked Missouri team at Missouri-----I would think.Why I took the Hosers last week-----no idea.

Now then,Maryland plays it's very first BT at home against the biggest name BT fb school.SEC fans.....take it easy.I'm just talking about the BT.


Nya?

So, can Maryland get high two weeks in a row?

I'm sure you devoted drug abusers think it easy, but this is different.


They will have their first sell out in 6 years, which should tell you what a fb hotbed Maryland.... isn't.This all adds up to being a "take Ohio State minus the 8.5."The final score could be 42-31, but it's still more than 8.5.


Take Rootgers less 2.5 against those loveable Vulvarenes.Rootgers is kind of like the Sherr Oir's in this game;only their competition is becoming a candidate for the MAC.If the MAC would consider taking them on.....which,I doubt.

The Cornfucl<ers are at The Michigan State Quartans.I think the fever is delayed and hits on the 7th day ,which will make it pretty tough on that cool,calm, mild mannered orangutang----Bo Pellini.

Take the Quartans giving 6.5.




The Tribe's season is over:Good news.

Bad news:The Brown's isn't.

Worst news:The NBA season is soon to start.



Hockey? I don't even know if it's started or has ended....or what their point seems to be.I look at it as Canadian Rugby.

Mailman Bob,harness horsey at Northfield;HUGE fan.



Don't bet any real Monopoly money on these games,sporty fans.The fix is in everywhere.

[horseofcourse]

clyde....basketball is the best sport, and we got basketball in Cleveland!! You should just get over it real soon. Your obsession with Lequeen is not healthy. He left just like all the basebally guys that left, the difference is he came back while still good unlike that basebally guy who has a statue now who actually did say they'd have to rip that Cleveland jersey off his back (he forgot the addendum..."unless I get an extra year on my contract from philly!" we all loved that stupid hick though!!) I also look at it as brilliant strategery by LeBron as once he left it allowed for multiple years of stench to acquire top notch talent in the draft to play and also to trade to acquire top notch talents like super Love!

What's scary about the Brownies is they have played perfect football (zero turnovers in 3 games and yet still stand at 1-2...what the heck happens when they don't play perfect??)

I still say Tribe is set up for dominance 2015-2017. Their young hurlers have nasty stuff. All they need is for Kipnis to not be stenchful and just one more offensive player, they'll be a 90-100 win team for quite awhile. Front office has been brilliant. Kluber for Westbrook. Gomes for Esmil Rogers. We ended up with a star for Sabathia in Brantley, and it took a very long time but even the Cliff Lee trade has been won....Carrasco!!! Ramirez looked pretty good at short, and we have Lindor near ready. Kipnis will be going back to the outfield very soon I think. Lots of problems have been fixed quickly. Good times are acomin'!!

[Rileyoriley]

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POSTMORTEM:












BARF!!!!






Thank my lucky's I only play with counterfeit Monopoly money.Which reminds me;this weeks NCAA FIX OF THE WEEK!! award ( the official insignia of fixers is a tool box stuffed with $100 bills,by the way) goes to the entire punt coverage team of Michigan State.

That 7 points was looking mighty good until you fellers suddenly went blind.



Now for Mr. Horsey.

I do agree ,generally, about the Tribe. All my groaning was pointed at this season's run for the playoffs playin spot.

Pitching looks peachy;offense still looks pruney.And they better get something else to do for Kipnis as far as a glove is concerned.Rodriguez to 2nd and the Lindor guy to short.At least pitchers won't have to close their eyes and grit their teeth on easy grounders either side of 2nd.Now they will only need to pray for easy ones hit to third.Chisenhall makes the hot corner a thruway.

I don't know what they do about run production.

There is no punting n baseball.


You mentioned the BIG LIAH.

Please, no more. I would accept the statue if the player's uniform was shown being torn off.That would add the needed level of satirical disparagement for that Barnum&Bailey walrus.

No more mention of pro basketball either,please.

I will leave it lay too, I promise.

And when the Browns don't play perfect----they win.



The Tenneessee Titans are this weeks recipients of the NFL Burma Point Shave trophy.The late punt block out of the end zone for a safety was brilliant.

Fixing is proliferating to the point multiple fixes may be found in the same game.We may see a qb being paid to throw a key interception to a cornerback who is being paid not to intercept.The qb should refrain from showing leadership by chewing out the butter fingered cornerback so as not to arouse suspicion.



Good day,Sporty Fans and remember: Your luck is out when the fix is in.

[Arletta]

From Clyde

IMPORTANT...no!----HUGE!! ANNOUNCEMENT FROM CLYDE COLLINWOOD's SPORTY DEKS!......I mean DESK!!


The maker of CLYDEFORM!!.... now introduce:

FIXER SNIFFER!!




Yes, after laborious hours of compiling compilers and all sorts of information in college football and squishing it all into a team's profile ( which includes large dossiers on key players,coaches,referees and big alumni donators as well as the known nefarious fixers----oh,by the way----the latter is particularly prominent in the SEC and is the residue of the Southern Mafia,made up of primarily Irish swine).This software enables the user to click on any team and it will show who they are playing along with the average point spread. If one team's name is in red bolded letters,this tells that team has been fixed to blow the spread.FIXER SNIFFER is 97% accurate!!


Sometimes.

But don't believe me.

Just try it almost free for one weekend at the almost free price of $19.95.


Dave Schwontz has NOTHING to do with FIXER SNIFFER!!----honest.If you need more,tune in tomorrow and I will GIVE you some college fb games that cannot lose.Finally the sporty bettor has a great software tool to aid him or her in focusing on the fixed games;something not available in the past.


(This offer is not available to Canadians.)

[Arletta]

We interrupt this silence with a message from ~ Clyde


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FIXER SNIFFER!! REPORTS:




HUGE fixing in the SEC this weekend.The Crimson Lied cannot afford Saban
anymore;so----the AD and Prez have fixed the game and bet heavily against LOL
TIDE!

Take Arkysas and the 9.



SissiMippi is on the take this weekend.

Take Texas M&M minus 2.




The BT Fix of the Week:


State Penn needs money.The Prez and Board of Regents are taking the Vulvarenes
-1.They are losing by a LOT more than 1.

Take the Vulvarenes and give that point away.




BONUS:


If Aprilweather and Girly do fight.....don't pour out the money over this
anticipated mess.Both are well on the downside and would fight only for the huge
retirement check.

Blech!



Bet PyriteBlues to win that Ohio Distaff.




Do not bet NFL games.

Even the fixers don't know what in God's name is going on.




SportyFans,remember: DO NOT USE REAL MONOPOLY MONEY!

[geeker2]

Geeeezzzzeeeee.... I almost forgot HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLYDEEEEEEE !!!!

[Arletta]

From the man in the grey suit ~ Clyde



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The LOL TIDE! is home to those losers of their last two, the Texas Baggies.They are at home, but meet another big challenge after repulsing Arkysas last Saturday....by one point.Dick Saban wasn't too happy about fan outrage over that squeaky win.He acted like it was against his players,knowing full well it was directed at him for underachieving by about $7 million so far this year.He's actually lucky Arkysas is coached by a giant ant eater. Hang in there,Dick.You can always talk to the Dolphins.


Just deny it.

Kenny "Already Over The" Hill will help the Baggies bag another game, but by less than 11.5.

But a win would not be surprising.




Field Goal Jesus visits the Florida State Squaws.Lots of hype for this "big" one between two very overrated teams. They both get a break after facing tough foes in N.Carolina and Syracuse.


No they weren't!

This isn't basketball.Truly horrendous performances by both.

Anyhoo----anyone could win this game,but Pigskin Clyde thinks one should take the Semenals giving 12.




Rootgers sacrifices its fb team at THIS Ohio State.Rootgers could only beat the Vulvarenes by two at their home field a couple of weeks back.That's not saying a whole lot.And they LOST to State Penn! At home!!!! AWFUL! However;if they are clicking they can produce a pretty neat passing attack.As you know, Ohio State goes brain dead when faced with the forward pass.It's quite mind boggling to them.As poorly as Rootgers has played against those two BT "one yard.... make that 2 feet and a cloud of dust" offenses....take Rootgers getting 19.5.



May the best point shavers win.

[Arletta]

From not me but Mr. Clyde


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Great big ol' happy greetings to Sporty Fans all over this fine universe of ours.A feeling,have I....that some of you are from the various parallel unversi but cannot reveal it because you don't want us to know you do exist.


Really;we don't care.

Anyways!!....I would like to critique my fine work from last weekend,but my wuffie ate my picks.

Such a shame,but we must go one.


I do hope my pastier gets these up in time.It's about 7 PM on Thursday so she does have plenty of time.I know you all can't wait for me to help you lose money.


Ol' Witch is at L-Less U,with the latter being given 3.5.

Take 'um points and L-Less U.


The Vulvarenes are at the Quartans.Take the visitors and the 17.MSU is not as good on defense this year.The Vulvarenes do have that.They are pretty good at defense.I think they break out of their awful performance this year and may well even beat the Quartans.


THIS Ohio State bikes to the backwoods of Happy Valley.DaffyDanny did not kill nearly enough of them and so the game will go one.State Penn has an offensive line resembling a toll booth with the gate permanently stuck open.The defensive line is pretty good, but THIS Ohio State will simply go around them.Take THIS Ohio State giving 13.5.



Sporty Fans;it is now your turn.

Git at dem beans!!

[geeker2]

OMG I almost forgot....

Happy Birthday Clyde !!!!

[Pants II]

Happy birthday, Morty

I hope you're right about LSPoo but unfortunately Ole Siss might be the real deal this year.

[Arletta]

A reply from ~ Clyde



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I am in self shame;which is nothing new.


Ralph Geeker....I am so sorry I missed your birthday greeting to me on my last one.Thank you and CP for remembering this one.



Regarding the game shape of Another Miss vs. L-LESS-U .I do feel like AM is a sound team, but may have bloated up on a weak schedule other than Ala. and M&M,although I think M&M is looking like a pretender.The U seems to play well at home and I do believe the fix is in on this one....to boot.Have heard Bill Bellicheck has rented out his personal Etch-A-Sketch to Coach Miles.

And congratulations to the Big 14 for adding appetizers Basil Rootgers and Miss Mary Land.I think both teams are coached by former seal trainers ( don't take that personally,Peanut Shell).Nothing like watering down an already liquidy conference.





RINGYDINGYRINGYDINGY!!


BONUS TIME!!!






Take Itah-UtAh getting 1 at home to USC U Next Tuesday.


(I'm DonnyOsmond.I sell smack and I fix fb games.....and I'm a Mormon.)

[Rileyoriley]

From Clyde:

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Uh.........my wuffie refused to eat my pigskin picks.

But I have lots of excuses.



I did mention M.States defense being less than last year and the Vulvarenes defense being pretty good.What I forgot was how more than awful their offense is.First, The Gardner is maybe the worst qb in college fb since Steve Bellisari; famed ex Ohio State Kamikaze Pilot.I would rather have a component of the garden play qb for me than The Gardener.A rudabakah could do better.For shore, a tomato plant at qb would have been worth 10 more points thus making it a 14 point game .


I was unshore if WHAT!!? Ohio State had reached pretender status or not, but after yesterday----those hopes are gone.State Penn gave up 18 points to the Vulvarenes.18!!!! The Gardener being the qb!! In regulation, WHAT!? Ohio State could get only 17!!


One LESS point!


My God....I could not see this fix coming.


WHAT!!? Ohio State could not even roll up 300 yard of offense----with two overtimes!


They play the Fighting Vagini next week.The Vagini upset Minny-so-tah.I'm thinking of taking the Fighting Vagini.....straight up.

[dagolfer33]

Dear Clyde Mortimer Starship,

"I would like to thank you for your vote of confidence in our quality victory over Another Miss. L-Les-U is a quality establishment that prides itself in association with such fine individuals as yourself, and undoubtedly you selecting us to win Saturday night in Corndog Valley was the deciding factor. That, and the Etch-a-sketch. Thanks, and have a nice day."


Sincerely, Les

[Arletta]

From the man himself ~ Clyde

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Dear Coachless,



Goddammity.




I meant:


Dear Coach Less,

Mighty white a ya.....and thanks for reminding that I mean L-LES-U and not L-LESS-U.Same thing I guess,but thanks.

Oh forget it Coach;I had every faith in your offensive genius.I guess one could take that two ways----AND.....if any coach could go for .5----it's you.


I still think your explanation of that botched field goal attempt a few years back is the best;just like you.

Congratulations;and get back that Etch-A-Sketch before Goodell finds out.


Your amigo,

Clyde Mortimer....AND The Starship