Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[bigrun]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”
“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-sh*ttin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well.. You started it…”

[Crown@club]

Originally Posted by bigrun

07-15-2015, 03:41 PM #691


Your Bullshitten Me‏



Bullshitten:
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth &
a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare
office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the
System, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter
is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me???"



The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

The joke was so good, you had to say it twice?

[casp0555]

http://www.derbytrail.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60658

[bigrun]

[bigrun]

[mclem0822]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

[casp0555]

New United Flight Attendant...

17523312_10210704511520290_6155496355573221799_n.jpg

[mclem0822]

One Saturday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Johnny." "Good morning pastor Ron," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Wednesday night or Sunday morning service?

[casp0555]

Originally Posted by mclem0822

One Saturday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Johnny." "Good morning pastor Ron," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Wednesday night or Sunday morning service?

That joke needed a rimshot at the end of it

[mclem0822]

Originally Posted by casp0555

That joke needed a rimshot at the end of it

Quite old school my friend, I agree

[knickslions2]

Al Bundy insults

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgDtgyzVZYk

[casp0555]

no offense Nick

An engaged couple die & arrive in Heaven where they ask St Peter if can they still marry in Heaven. St Peter said he was not sure so would have to get back to them & 3 years later he returned saying ‘Yes they could’ & they were married.

It wasn’t long before they realised that they were not made for each other so they asked if there was such a thing as Divorce in Heaven?






St Peter replied:-
‘Listen it took me 3 years to find a Priest here, how long do you think it will take me to find a Lawyer?’

[richard burch]

Col. Travis and Davy Crockett are looking over the wall at the Alamo when William says" Davy!. It looks bad!. There are Calvary and cannons all around us!"

Davy takes his field glasses, peers out over the landscape and replies " You're right Colonel. And where the hell did all of these landscapers come from?"

[richard burch]

Originally Posted by satan's twin

An 85 year old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried it with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried it with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried it with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried it too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[richard burch]

A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'"
"What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."

[casp0555]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
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• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[mclem0822]

Originally Posted by casp0555

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
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• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

LOL

[Rverge]

Q. and how does one make Holy Water???
A. boil the Hell out of it


andQ. why does Helen Keller have purple hands and fingers???
A. she https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWvwP72FuVg