copypasta

[FGFan]

Originally Posted by Mortimer

Thanks..I'll check it.

I have to admit...your fav is by far mine as well. That was pretty funny.

That one was pretty funny.
I think it might be hossy though he does put up pictures of himself as a bear. If ya can masquerade as human when you are really a bear, what's to say you can't masquerade as girl when you are a boy!

When I was little my mom used to put a buttplug in me (which she called a poop plug) and I'd wear it all the time. It had this star of david with a cross inside it painted on the base. I was told only to take it out to poop, wipe my ass, then put it back in.

I was really young so I thought this was just something everybody did but one time at school I dropped it when I flushed the toilet and it ended up getting flushed. So when I went back to class I told my teacher that my poop plug got flushed down the toilet. She had no idea what I was talking about so she sent me to the school nurse.

Well after trying to explain what a poop plug was for 15 minutes the school calls the police. The police ask me all these questions and at first I'm scared because I think I'm in trouble for losing my poop plug.

Turns out my mom has schizophrenia and was making me wear this butt plug so Satan couldn't stick his cock in my pooper and make me gay.

I end up being raised by my aunt and uncle (mom's sister) and my mom is still in a mental hospital (and probably will be for life). I still visit her and don't really hold anything against her because she was ill. For what it's worth though, Satan never stuck his cock in my pooper and I'm not gay.

Hi... I'm George Zimmer - Founder And Ceo Of The Men's Wearhouse. Last Night I Unsheathed My Mungo Man Spout From My Jeans And Flopped It Down In Front Of Your Mother - Your Senile Downstairs Neighbour Tapped At Her Ceiling Because Of The Clamor. Your Mom Was Barely Able To Nibble At My Plump, Prodigious Member Before I Grabbed It Like A Lasso And Smacked Her Across The Face So Hard She Flew, Spinning, Onto The Bed Bent Over - Awaiting The Admission Of My Throbbing Acreage Of Flesh. She Could Only Take 30 Seconds Of Half My Scrotal Camel Before She Fainted. I Finished Up And Bestowed A Stunning Likeness Of The Pope On Her Back In Baby Spackle. I Used Her Tooth Brush As Toilet Paper And Left A Quarter On Her Ass. She Called Me Four Times Today. I Guarantee It.

I leaned down and smelled the seat where the super hot girls amazing ass sat for at least 5 minutes straight... It smelled like pure girl farts... a strong fart essence was present in the felt padded seat cushion, I started buggin out. I kept smelling the cushion for as long as the smell's odor retained it's embodiment. I was in heaven with the sexy fumes that only lasted a couple of minutes. I buried my face into the seat cushion smelling this HOT girls candy farts. I was so happy that day.

I'm an Alpha male /b/.

And girls want to **** alpha males. Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it's completely true. That girl you like who is kinda cute in a weird way, but is totally sweet and you have the biggest crush on? The one who keeps going back to guys who treat her wrong for reasnos you don't understand? The one who calls you up at 1 am to cry about how her boyfriend hasn't called her in 3 days, and no matter how long you listen to her, she'll never think of you as anything other than asexual? The one who will curl up next to you on the couch, hug you close, kiss you on the cheek, and never let you ****ing touch her beyond that?

Yeah, I'm ****ing her.

The hot girl who won't even look at you when you nod at them and smile? The one who laughs when you trip in the hallway and drop your stuff? The one who comes up and coyly aks for your help with her homework, and then pretends you don't exist once you finish?

Yeah, I'm ****ing her too, even harder.

The geeky girl you think might be enough like you that you have a chance with her? She plays warcraft on your server, and watches anime, and reads comics? She's so incredible and you just love her so much but you still haven't worked up the courage to tell her how you feel about her?

Guess who just sucked me off and told me they'll always love me?

/b/, You have a huge crush on this girl. She's cute, hot, funny, smart, playful, fun, etc. Bad news though: you're in the friend zone. Hardcore. You guys hang out a lot, you may even cuddle when you watch movies, but that's it. You want more and she sees you as totally asexual. Everyone on /b/ has been where I'm describing.

Well, /b/, I've finally come up with a solution: drugs. Let me explain.

Put 5 milligrams of oxycodone in her food/drink/etc. It's not enough to get her high, but she'll still be in an amazing mood and won't know why. She'll have a continuous warm fuzzy feeling in her stomach the entire time you're hanging out. Do this every time you hang out with her. After 3 dates, she'll be convinced that she has fallen in love with you. After she comes forward with it, stop dosing her and the placebo effect will do the rest.

Enjoy your dream-come-true, /b/.

[Sightseek]

That is terrible!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. , the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that @#@!# knows I'm smarter than her

The Mother****ing Flash

Now, I don't know how many of you dogs of the scurviest sea read comics, but I do a big pile of comics. One thing that blows my mind is how completely insane the powers in the DC universe are. Look at Superman. This guy has more powers than French restaurants have ways to say "your taste in wine is atrocious". He has powers to do with every part of his body and then some. He forgets powers sometimes. He can shoot heat rays out of his eyes, frost breath from his mouth and red son radiation from his ass. He's that sort of crazy dude. All because he absorbs solar radiation.

Look at Batman. His power? The anti-power. Sure, he should be some tame, kung fun master of not much, but instead he's the hottest **** to ever **** on a plate. You got a power? He'll find your weakness and give you seizures or heart attacks. He'll light you on fire when you're sleeping or make you recharge your green lantern ring in the power outlet. Ten thousand volts of **** you batman. That's Batman.

But the ****ing Flash, my god, my ****ING GOD, this man has the greatest powers of all. If Superman's powers are being sucked off by twin super models and batman coming home to discover your wife is not only bisexual but has two friends she wants you to 'get in on' then the Flash is an orgy with a thousand women who also want to pay your World of Warcraft billing. And click the mouse for you. This man is just that ****ing hot. They have to power him down in the comics half the time just to keep him from doing everyone else's job.

Ok first off, he can travel at lightspeed. Mother ****! Not only does he travel at lightspeed, but time slows down for him. So he feels like he's having a casual jog or reading the paper, meanwhile, his feet are moving so fast you can hear him coming from Montana while he's already gotten to Arizona. That's ****ing fast. But wait! The ability to move at Lightspeed just isn't ****ing enough!

I know! Christ this guy can punch you so many times in a second you've been hit five times in the cock and two times everywhere else. You think you're about to fight the Flash and then it hits you, for the last split second he's beaned your beanbags with more blows than you had sperm. But no, there's more!

The Flash can also vibrate through walls. Now last I heard, you can not move so fast you can vibrate through walls, so what actually happens is the Flash is so fast he can pick and choose the movement of his individual molecules and move them through other solid objects, phasing through solid matter like it ain't no thing. I mean you think a guy who runs at lightspeed would run into **** but no, the Flash just goes right through them. To top that with a cherry and some whipped cream (which the Flash made in like a millisecond, ****er) he can selectively choose to cause objects to be "okay" afterwards or ****ING EXPLODE. That's right. He can run through you and make you blow up by transfering kinetic energy into you. Like Jesus. IT's bad enough you can't hit this guy, but he doesn't even have to punch you. Now your testicles have exploded and you're thinking you're about to hit him. Jesus? Just give it up. He's the ****ing Flash.

Now imagine that somehow there's someone who can get around the Flash blowing your balls up secret ninja technique. Ok. He can also control the flow of energy between objects. This power makes no sense but basically he can throw a rock at you, and you think it's going slow and then he's like WHOOHOOO WIZARDLY FLASH POWERS and bam it's going at lightspeed. So he can throw seven million rocks at you in a second then make them all goes different speeds thus striking your nads with seven million rocks one after the other.

But wait! There's more! He can also take energy from the very power of speed and make clothes out of it. Yes. Flash makes his pants out of GOES FAST. The man is so fast he can make Flash pants that GOES FAST go right into. I don't even start to understand the physics of that but basically SPEED == REALLY TIGHT UNDERWEAR AND COOL LIGHTNING THINGIES OVER THE EAR. You would think this is the end of it but ok let's say Flash is fighting Superman and **** he's going to lose and **** how is Superman THIS ****ing strong? I don't know he must be Superman fused with Batman into some sort of guy with tons of plans on how to punch you far harder than anyone else ok to end it off the Flash can GO BACK OR FORWARD IN TIME ON COMMAND.

How do you beat this dude? You're thinking you're hashing him good, laying down the beatdown, missing your balls and suddenly BAM YOUR MOM FELL DOWN THE STAIRS TWENTY YEARS AGO and there's a dent in your forehead and Superman not thunk so gud no more. Actually she didn't fall down the stairs the Flash put speed into them so they fell up her! **** you Flash! You moved the stairs to Soviet ****ing russia! RUSH-A! Bitch.

Oh, and lastly his greatest power is he isn't fast in bed. He takes it slow and gets all the ladies with his superpowers then actually satisfies them in the sack. Who the Hell is this guy? You'd think he could AT LEAST be a premature ejaculator since his penis is moving at lightspeed but NOOOO he's even good in bed.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Wolverine sucks cock and should go die in a freak greasefire.

How To Treat Your Woman

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "…because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold…and not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but guys think it's funny.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Don't call

[MaTH716]

Originally Posted by Coach Pants

Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****'s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little **** he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "****! ****!." Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "****! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! ****!". By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Ma'am, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm... I'm ****ING HIV POSITIVE." And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mom isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the **** she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. I'm not really HIV Positive, but that little **** must've gotten in a ****heap of trouble.

[cowgirlintexas]

Just read this and wanted to share a smile. Did'nt really know where else to post it, so here it is...


WHY PARENTS DRINK

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the
worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the
letter.


Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than
I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that
we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
m ore children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Cody,

P.S.. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.