Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[Player_Player]

Here get your day started off the right way!

www.Cartoline.net

(Click on this link & put your quarter in)

[Player_Player]

Sometimes You Get What You Ask For!


A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said,
'Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.'

She replied, 'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.'

[Player_Player]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.


When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, '6.'

The judge said, 'Then I will give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something..
The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

[Player_Player]

MAD COW DISEASE!

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview witha farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.Lady Reporter: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"The Farmer stared at the reporter and said:
"Do you know that a bull screws a cow only once a year?"The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed) reports "that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?
"The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information,but what about getting to the point?
"The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get MAD?"

[Player_Player]

Cheap Hoes!

[Player_Player]

And the future of Casey Anthony

[Player_Player]

[Player_Player]

[Player_Player]

The Blonde Phone Call !


"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth, why did you do that?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

[Player_Player]

.

Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.


Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cuz both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends.


Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.


Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.


Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.


Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.


Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.


Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.


Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.


Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.


Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.


Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

[Player_Player]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,

"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

[Player_Player]

$7.00 Sex




An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row


The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.00


SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...

[Player_Player]

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize....




I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back:
"If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.

[herkhorse]

http://www.derbytrail.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43126

[Player_Player]

Best Divorce Letter Ever!


Dear Wife,

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more - whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

PS: Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a nice day.


************************************************** ******

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been..

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason,
I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!

PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[Player_Player]

Wisdom!


A guy is 72years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he a heard a voice say pick me up.

He looked around and couldn' see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top,
was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'


The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'


The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said,

'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'


He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.

[Player_Player]

Cooter and Gomer





Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley'.

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

[Player_Player]

Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

[Player_Player]

Chinese Proverb

Confucius say,
"If you are in a book store and cannot find
the book for which you search, you are obviously in the.....

[3kings]

Originally Posted by herkhorse

http://www.derbytrail.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43126

I laughed.