Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[MaTH716]

A woman was in a coma.

She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed
that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her
there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite
movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened,
telling him,

'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex
will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that
they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat
lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What
happened!?' they cried.



The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she
choked.'

[herkhorse]

we interrupt Chuckfest for a joke





The awesome power of a wife's love




A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.


With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.


There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of
his favorite chocolate chip cookies.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The
aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the
table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.













"They're for the funeral."

[clyde]

Do you mind?




We're on the SOA fest now,by the way.

[MaTH716]

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old farmer named Bill tentatively raised his hand and said,

"I think my wife got a pretty good look at you..."

[bigrun]

Maybe this has been posted before but check it out...first heard this years ago on audio tape and recently found it on youtube...the announcer is hilarious in his description of the 'contest'...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FyD95Hv7CU

[bigrun]

[rpncaine]

SALESMANSHIP


The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.



Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good" said the teacher.


Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher..



Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ......


Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.


"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.


"Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"


"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"


Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something shitty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."


Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart...

[bigrun]

Men do remember...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look
for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a
hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and
takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she
steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this
time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th
Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to
tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago
when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only
16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the
back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself
into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you
marry my daughter or I will send you to
prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said

'I would have gotten out today.

[3kings]

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?Obama:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States."Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."Obama:"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."Cashier:"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."Obama:"I am urging you please to cash this check."Cashier:"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check.""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."Cashier:"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

*

[OldDog]

Originally Posted by 3kings

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?Obama:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States."Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."Obama:"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."Cashier:"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."Obama:"I am urging you please to cash this check."Cashier:"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check.""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."Cashier:"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

*

[Rileyoriley]

Originally Posted by 3kings

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?Obama:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States."Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."Obama:"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."Cashier:"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."Obama:"I am urging you please to cash this check."Cashier:"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check.""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."Cashier:"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

*

[bigrun]

[DaTruth]

The Baptist & The Louisiana Cajun...
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a Good Ole Cajun Boy on a flight to Baton Rouge.
After the plane took off, the free spirited Cajun asked for a whiskey and ice, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.* Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The Cajun then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Oaklawnfan]

A guy is sitting in his living room watching TV when he notices a Police car pull up in front of his house.
The Sheriff and his deputy come up and knock on the front door. He answers the door and the Sheriff says , are you Mr. Smith? Yes, he says. Are you married, sir? Yes I am, replies Mr. Smith.
Would you happen to have a picture of your wife, sir?
Yes I do, says Mr. Smith.
Would you mind getting it and showing it to us. No problem, gents. He goes into the living room and returns with her picture and hands it to the Sheriff.

A very serious look comes across the Sheriff’s face and he looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry Mr. Smith but it looks like your wife was run over by a truck”.

Mr. Smith replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is a fantastic cook” !!!

[bigrun]

For the Formal Evening on your next Italian cruise.

[bigrun]

Meet my new girlfriend..




http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=C1AIaL4Y2E8

[knickslions2]

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?”

“Tis odd, isn't it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...”

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.

[herkhorse]

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the
door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson .

'What on earth are you doing Ole', says Sven

'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me', says an
obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble
lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something
sexy to a tractor."

[bigrun]

From The Department Of Homeland Security:



Terrorists Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3

[MaTH716]

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.