Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[geeker2]

For GPK - where have you been ?

Mortimer von Clydee was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fucl<ing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[my miss storm cat]

According to the standings in the IFHA / Longines World's Best Jockey battle, Joseph O'Brien is currently tied for 1st place.

If that isn't a big joke I don't know what is.

http://www.horseracingintfed.com/def...=Racing&area=3

[bigrun]

Priest's Retirement Speech

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

[geeker2]

Originally Posted by my miss storm cat

According to the standings in the IFHA / Longines World's Best Jockey battle, Joseph O'Brien is currently tied for 1st place.

If that isn't a big joke I don't know what is.

http://www.horseracingintfed.com/def...=Racing&area=3

RoR !

[my miss storm cat]

Originally Posted by geeker2

RoR !

[bigrun]

[casp0555]

I laughed Bigs........that IS funny

[bigrun]

What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas ...

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:

"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

[Crown@club]

I see how the story has changed from The Foxhole in Warsaw, OH to Diamond D's in Mt. Vernon, TX

http://www.christianpost.com/news/to...atrons-124549/

[OldDog]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter
from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents
had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the
window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the
lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of
paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed
it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a
puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door,
insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger
waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister,"
he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[GPK]

Drunk stumbles into a upholstrey shop and passes out.






































He woke recovered.

[pmayjr]

This took me wayyyy toooo lonnnng to see lol

[bigrun]

I don't feel so bad now


http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/17/politi...html?hpt=hp_c2

[Crown@club]

Originally Posted by bigrun

I don't feel so bad now


http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/17/politi...html?hpt=hp_c2

He should of used Mr. Underhill's card.

[Arletta]

We've all been here


10616171_1531023450488009_7064574787047504924_n.jpg

[mclem0822]

Originally Posted by Arletta

We've all been here


Attachment 2447

[bigrun]

Originally Posted by Arletta

We've all been here


Attachment 2447

That happened to me trying to enter Festivus contest

[bigrun]

I had to get one of these to clear my driveway..

Kardashian Snow Blower..I had clyde help me out with this..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TA5AC77azno

[Arletta]

Originally Posted by bigrun

I had to get one of these to clear my driveway..

Kardashian Snow Blower..I had clyde help me out with this..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TA5AC77azno

Sick funny.

[bigrun]

Oldie but goodie




BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!. she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the ***** willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!