Bounced Check

[golfer]

This isn't new, but I like it anyway:

"BOUNCED CHECK" Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir :

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations , three nanoseconds must have elapsed between presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it .

I refer , of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension , an arrangement which , I admit, has been in place for only Eight years ..

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity , and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your Bank . My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways .

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters , --- when I try to contact You , I am confronted by the impersonal , overcharging , pre-recorded , faceless entity which your Bank has become .

From now on I choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person .

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic , but will arrive at your bank , by check , addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate .

Be aware that it is an Offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope . Please find attached an application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete . I am sorry it runs to eight pages , but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me , there is no alternative .

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public , and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation ( income , debts , assets and liabilities ) must be accompanied by documented proof . In due course , at MY convenience , I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me . I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but , again , I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service . As they say , imitation is the sincerest form of flattery .

Let me level the playing field even further .

When you call me , press buttons as follows :

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING , PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH !

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there .

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping .

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature .

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer , a password to access my computer is required . Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier .

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 .

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry . The contact will then be put on hold , pending the attention of my automated answering service .

#10. This is a second Reminder to press * for English . While this may , on occasion , involve a lengthy wait , music noise will play for the duration of the call . Regrettably , but again following Your example , I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement . May I wish you a happy , if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year ?

Your Humble Client

( Remember : This was written by a 86 year old woman )
' YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " THE SENIORS " !!!