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#1
08-13-2006, 02:43 PM
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Joke of the Day
Feel free to add yours.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4thgrade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary",said the teacher. "It sure was", said thelittle girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F**k," the Rottweiler ate him!" 
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#2
08-13-2006, 04:46 PM
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That was hilarious.
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#3
08-13-2006, 05:25 PM
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Teasing the Gorilla
A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest. The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin. She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. “Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him,” says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips. Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. “Now tell HIM you have a headache.”
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#4
08-13-2006, 06:02 PM
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Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
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#5
08-13-2006, 09:05 PM
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Quote:
How do we know men invented maps? Who else would make an inch into a mile?
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#6
08-14-2006, 09:53 AM
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I was in line at the grocery store picking up a bag of dog food for my dogs when the lady behind me asks, "Do you have a dog?" "No", I said, "I'm on the dog food diet." "Dog food diet, what's that?" she asked. I said "Whenever I leave the house, I fill both pockets with dog food and when i get hungry i just reach in and eat two pieces of food. The last time I was on this diet I lost 50 pounds, but I ended up in the hospital." "Oh no!", she said, "was the food poisoned?" I told her, "No, I was laying in the middle of the road licking my balls when a car hit me!!"
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#7
08-14-2006, 10:23 AM
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There were 2 Zebras walking down the road and younger Zebra was losing sleep wondering if they were black with white strips or white with black strips. He asked his friend and he didn't know, but suggested that he try to ask God before he went to sleep at night. Well weeks went by with no answer to the question. Then one morning the young Zebra told his friend that in his dream last night that he was talking to God and asked if they were black with white strips or white with black strips? The young Zebra said the answer confused him because God just said "you are what you are".
His elder friend said that's your answer we are white with black strips! The younger Zebra asked him to please explain why. Well if we were black with white strips God would of said " you is what you is"
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#8
08-14-2006, 12:52 PM
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THE DONKEY AUCTION
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00." Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
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#9
08-15-2006, 12:24 PM
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The Lonely Frog
A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
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#10
08-15-2006, 04:22 PM
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Buying a Horse....
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. The buddy says,"how will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment" So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?
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#11
08-15-2006, 04:47 PM
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The Life Cycle
I think the life cycle is all backwards You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
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#12
08-15-2006, 08:23 PM
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uummm....against my better judgement...Kev wins..with DTS auction tale a close 2nd!
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#13
08-15-2006, 09:24 PM
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Timm,
Who the hell appointed you as humor critic? Post one and we'll all either laugh or judge. Put up or shut up. DTS
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#14
08-15-2006, 09:48 PM
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Little grouchy,dude! Other thread for that. I said yours was very good,quit bitching. Tsk Tsk Later
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#15
08-16-2006, 05:33 AM
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An old lady is riding in an elevator in a lavish New York building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance", by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, and also very arrogantly says "Chanel #5 $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks at both women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
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#16
08-16-2006, 06:24 AM
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his companys' Super Bowl party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he'd done something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are 2 aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. and,next to them, a single rose! Jack sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him all pressed and clean. He looks around the room and notices it is spotless. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and cringes as he sees a huge black eye staring at him in the mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it with a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, your breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight! I love you,darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast, steaming coffee, and the morning paper. His son is also at the table,eating. Jack says "Son...what happened last night? Well, you came home after 3am last night, drunk out of your mind. you fell over the coffee table and broke it, puked in the hall and got that black eye when you ran into the door" So,why is everything in such perfect order, so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? His son replies "oh THAT!...Mom dragged you into the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your pants, you screamed, "Leave me alone,lady, I'm married!" Broken table 139.99 hot breakfast 4.20 Two aspirin .38 Saying the right thing, at the right time...PRICELESS!
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#17
08-16-2006, 10:04 AM
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Good ones Timm Here's todays...
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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#18
08-16-2006, 06:06 PM
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Dumba$$ people calling tech support
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... =============== Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah............thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... ! ; ====== ========= Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? == ============= Customer: Can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. =============== Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. =============== Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." =============== And last but not least... Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.Custom er: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
__________________
 The Prodical Son Has Returned
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#19
08-16-2006, 07:10 PM
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Very good Whorst. LOL!
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#20
08-16-2006, 07:41 PM
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A blonde wanted to go fishing. She'd see many books on the subject, and finally getting all the tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" The blonde,now worried, moved away, clear down to the other end of the ice. She set her stool down and tried to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" She stopped, looked skyward,and said "is that you,Lord?" The voice replied "NO, this is the manager of the Hockey Rink!"
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