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#201
03-01-2010, 05:18 PM
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" Please register to see links "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request ???' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request ???" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says, Listen Very Carefully !!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...I SAID ..... "BRING POSSE" 
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#202
03-01-2010, 05:28 PM
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Not a joke but made me laugh
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#204
03-01-2010, 07:27 PM
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#206
03-01-2010, 08:09 PM
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave. The Jewish people picked the aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them, but since he spoke no Italian and the Pope no Yiddish, they agreed it would be a “silent” debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple, and with that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay. Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. “Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Next, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.” Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around the Rabbi and asked “How did you win the debate?” “I haven’t a clue,” said Moishe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we’re staying right here.” “And then what?” asked a woman. “Who knows?” said Moishe, “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”
__________________
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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#207
03-02-2010, 12:31 AM
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Abe Horowitz is walking along Hallandale Beach when he comes across a bottle. He picks it up and pulls out the cork. A flash of light, and a loud whoosh....a genie apperars.
The genie says, "whoa, I've been trapped in this bottle for 80 years. Thanks so much for letting me out. For this act of kindness, I will grant you 2 and only 2 wishes." Abe pulls a map out of his back pocket and says, "you see this map? Egypt, Israel, Jordan, Syria, Iran.....there hasn't been peace in this area for thousands of years! Can you make the middle east peaceful?" The genie says, "That is too much to ask as I don't think there will ever be peace over there. Uh, sorry to tough. What's your second wish?" Abe says, "My wife, Sadie, and I have been married for 58 years. In those 58years she has never given me a blow job. Genie, you think that you can have her do this for me?" Genie says, " Let me see that map again."
__________________
"I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'."
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#208
03-08-2010, 06:31 PM
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Someone asked a Turk "why do you need 5 dogs?"
Turk answers with: "Food enough surviving earthquakes major."
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#209
03-13-2010, 07:12 PM
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YOUR HAIR SMELLS GOOD
> > Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.. > > After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. > > The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" > > The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
__________________
Felix Unger talking to Oscar Madison: "Your horse could finish third by 20 lengths and they still pay you? And you have been losing money for all these years?!"
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#211
03-23-2010, 02:19 PM
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Just announced:
Elin will caddie for Tiger at the Masters this year. His clubs will be in the bag, his balls will be in her purse!
__________________
“Once there was only dark. If you ask me, light’s winning.”–Rust Cohle – True Detective
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#212
03-24-2010, 06:11 PM
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'
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#213
03-25-2010, 02:01 PM
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late.... and saw the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left.... and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before.... and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.."
__________________
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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#216
04-01-2010, 06:36 PM
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.” The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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#220
04-07-2010, 11:14 AM
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