Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[GBBob]

Originally Posted by mclem0822

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My perve mind automatically saw "limp, dead rabbit" as foreshadowing

[mclem0822]

Originally Posted by GBBob

My perve mind automatically saw "limp, dead rabbit" as foreshadowing

[herkhorse]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"

[satan's twin]

An 85 year old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried it with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried it with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried it with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried it too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[dellinger63]

An 85 year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. He brings along his wife as he is hard of hearing. Upon arrival the nurse tells the man they we'll need a blood, urine and stool sample. He looks at his wife and says "what did she say?" His wife responds, "give them your underwear".

[brianwspencer]

Originally Posted by DaHoss9698

Those last two were pretty good.

If by pretty good you mean that I kind of want to never read anything ever again just in case I come across something like this -- then yes, Dell's was awesome. The visual alone ruined my day.

[Payson Dave]

^^^ overly serious

[brianwspencer]

Originally Posted by Payson Dave

^^^ overly serious

Not so. The joke served its purpose.

Just didn't enjoy the visual of the bloody, piss-stained, ****-filled panties.

[herkhorse]

An Inspirational Golf Story:

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, 'Naaahhh! I already play 4 or 5 times a week.'





Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

Then I thought...








sh*t, I could win this.

[Oaklawnfan]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[geeker2]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, and says, Wife, we are going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.
The wife grimaces, and replies, but I don t like fishing!
Look! We are going fishing and that's final.
Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don t want to go!
All right the husband says, I will give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BJ.... 3 or you take it up the ass!
The wife grimaces again. But I don't want to do any of those things!
Wife, I've given you three options.. You 'll HAVE to do one of them! I 'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, Well, what have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BJ, or up the a$$?
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, O.K. I ll give you a BJ!
Great! He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shi^^y!
Yes! says her husband The dog didn't want to go fishing either.

[herkhorse]

geeker, noooooooooo!

Oaklawnfans was funny though

[geeker2]

Originally Posted by herkhorse

geeker, noooooooooo!

Oaklawnfans was funny though

[witchdoctor]

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

MAN: "What was that for?"

WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Barbara Ann written on it?"

MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Barbara Ann was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

MAN: "What the heck was that for this time?"

WIFE: "Your horse called."

[GBBob]

Originally Posted by witchdoctor

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

MAN: "What was that for?"

WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Barbara Ann written on it?"

MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Barbara Ann was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

MAN: "What the heck was that for this time?"

WIFE: "Your horse called."

[dellinger63]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm03Dgu_yXA

[witchdoctor]

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[herkhorse]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied,

"I'm with the I.R.S."

[golfer]

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[dellinger63]

A little boy who brought home straight A's asks his father, "Who did I get my intelligence from?" The father pauses and responds, "Your mother because I still have mine."