Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[chucklestheclown]

A man comes home from work and plops in front of the TV and says to his wife "Get me a beer before it starts." She sighs and does it.
Fifteen minutes later he says "Get me another beer before it starts." She's pissed, but gets it and slams it down on the table. He drinks it quickly and says "OK, it's about to start...get me another one."
The wife is FURIOUS. She yells "Is that all you're going to do all night is sit in front of the GD TV and drink beer? You are a lazy, good for nothing POS and furthermore...".
He sighs and says..."It's started."

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Having to wear headphones in your own house (THAT'S A FKN JOKE.)

[chucklestheclown]

Johnny comes downstairs crying.

Mom says, "What's wrong?"

Johnny sobs, "I was watching dad hanging a picture and he hit his thumb with the hammer."

In a soothing voice, Mom says, "Honey, that's not so bad; instead of crying you should have just laughed."

Johnny says, "I did."

[geeker2]

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her
patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a
revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could
pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without
stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."


Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood
and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."


He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third
guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."


The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on
the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you
have to say now?"


He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."

[dellinger63]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Kenny.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Kenny says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Kenny replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

[dellinger63]

Little Kenny was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Kenny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Kenny answered, 'No, he just minded his own f'in' business.'

[Smooth Operator]

jeb will be ready in '12



Best one I've heard in a while.

[letswastemoney]

A hydrogen walks into a police station and says "Somebody stole my electron!, please help!"

The officer asks "are you sure it was stolen?"

The hydrogen says "I'm positive."

[satan's twin]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small Texas town. With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. It's because you and your kind continue to perpetuate descrimination against not only blondes but women in general.........and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but is cut off by the blonde. "You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little **** on your knee!"

[mclem0822]

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

[mclem0822]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...
What the hell did you think I said?

[herkhorse]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.. The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?” The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lio n’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?” The tough old golfer replies,

“No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[NavalOrange]

HerkHorse, I heard that one already!!

[herkhorse]

As a young bagpiper,

I was asked by a funeral director

to play at a graveside service for a homeless man,

with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery

way back in the country,

and this man

would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with

the backwoods area,

I became lost

and being a typical man

did not stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the crew,

who were eating lunch,

but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers

for my tardiness,

and stepped to the side of

the open grave,

where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers

I would not hold them up for long,

but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around,

still eating their lunch.

I played out my heart and soul.

As I played,

the workers began to weep.

I played, and I played, like I'd never played before.

From "My Home, My Home" and "The Lord Is My Shepherd"

to "The Flowers of the Forest " ....

I finally closed the lengthy session with

"Amazing Grace"

and then walked to my car.

I opened the door

and as I was taking off my coat,

I overheard one of the workers saying to another,

"Jeezuz, Mary' n Joseph,

I never heard nor seen nothin' like that before,

and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[King Glorious]

Two blonde girls are talking in California. One says "I wonder which is further, Florida or the moon?" The other says "well duh, it's gotta be Florida. I mean, you can see the moon."

[Indian Charlie]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... . ..


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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

image001.jpg

[herkhorse]

Damn fine excuse:

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments...

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[richard burch]

a man goes to the doctor and says...

"doc, help me. I can't take a ****. I've been drinking prune juice and taking laxatives all week and i can't even get a turtle head. You gotta help me!"

Doc says" Here. Take these suppositories and call me tomorrow."

The guy calls back the next day. "Doc nothings happenning. I took the whole bottle and it's not working!"

Doc says" Are you sure you're taking them the right way?"

The man says "Of course I am. What do you you want me to do with them? Stick 'em up my ass?

[dustmop]

Was just wondering here....anyone heard any good jokes lately?

[SCUDSBROTHER]

"CIRCO" ......Scuds('09)


Boat Don't Go No Where.......(No-No)

Ju'tgo In A Circo.....(Yea-Yea)

She Just Wear A Poncho.... (Ung-Kay)

Boat Just Go In Circo...(Uhn-Huh)

Head Up n' Down........(Hell-Yea)

She A Preacha Do A Miraco....(No-No)

I See She Do Fu-lay-sho........(Ung-Kay)

Sudan Good Fu-lay-sho.....(All-Right)

An Da Boat Just Go n' Circo.....(Uhn-Huh)

..... Circo