Aussie Humour

[magic_idol]

Subject: FW: Aussie humor...


A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first…"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks, "what's the good news.......??

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.....!"

[Mortimer]

With any luck you will stay in Australia.






Awful.

[magic_idol]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[my miss storm cat]

Originally Posted by magic_idol

Subject: FW: Aussie humor...


A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first…"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks, "what's the good news.......??

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.....!"

Maybe it's just my mood but I'm still laughing...

[Mortimer]

I know it cracked at least 3 of my ribs.









































Wow.















I know it's not me.

[onebadbeast]

I've Heard There Are Some Good Blonde Babes In Australia...........

[magic_idol]

Originally Posted by onebadbeast

I've Heard There Are Some Good Blonde Babes In Australia...........

Olivia Newton John ?

Grease Me Baby

[Mortimer]

Can this thread possibly get any cornier ?




Boxcar Willie would never have put up with it.

[hi_im_god]

son: mama, i have the biggest feet in the 3rd grade. is it because i'm australian?

mom: no. it's because you're 19.


did you hear about the earthquake that hit alice springs and inflicted $11 million in improvements?


what's the difference between a coyote and a dingo?

if a dingo gets caught in a trap, he chews off 3 legs and is still in the trap.



the difference between texans and australians is that texans may raise cattle but australians get emotionally involved.

if you think any of that was funny, you might be scuds.

[magic_idol]

OMG I DID LAUGH AT THE 19 YR OLD ONE

[2 Dollar Bill]

Originally Posted by hi_im_god

son: mama, i have the biggest feet in the 3rd grade. is it because i'm australian?

mom: no. it's because you're 19.


did you hear about the earthquake that hit alice springs and inflicted $11 million in improvements?


what's the difference between a coyote and a dingo?

if a dingo gets caught in a trap, he chews off 3 legs and is still in the trap.



the difference between texans and australians is that texans may raise cattle but australians get emotionally involved.

if you think any of that was funny, you might be scuds.

Is the first one a recycled West Virginia joke ?

[hi_im_god]

except for the dingo, they're all recycled.

the first one could be an iowan joke in minnesota if you want.

[magic_idol]

While we were pointing fingers i thought it would be a great time to involve the English

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm
f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul
McCartney"

[2 Dollar Bill]

Originally Posted by magic_idol

While we were pointing fingers i thought it would be a great time to involve the English

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm
f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul
McCartney"

Good One......Still laughin !

[Mortimer]

Ya just cain't bah stuff lak 'is.

[magic_idol]

>>> The Bacon Tree
>>> Two Mexicans are lost in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
>>> death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
>>> when all of a sudden.......
>>> 'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
>>> 'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
>>> So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
>>> there,
>>> in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
>>> There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
>>> bacon,
>>> double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
>>> 'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
>>> 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
>>> forget.'
>>> 'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees
>>> no
>>> meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
>>> And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
>>> metres,
>>> Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
>>> up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
>>> wounded
>>> but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
>>> breath.
>>> 'Pepe... go back man,you was right , ees not a bacon tree.'
>>> 'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
>>> 'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Eees a Ham Bush

[hi_im_god]

Originally Posted by magic_idol

>>> The Bacon Tree
>>> Two Mexicans are lost in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
>>> death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
>>> when all of a sudden.......
>>> 'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
>>> 'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
>>> So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
>>> there,
>>> in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
>>> There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
>>> bacon,
>>> double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
>>> 'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
>>> 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
>>> forget.'
>>> 'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees
>>> no
>>> meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
>>> And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
>>> metres,
>>> Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
>>> up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
>>> wounded
>>> but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
>>> breath.
>>> 'Pepe... go back man,you was right , ees not a bacon tree.'
>>> 'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
>>> 'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Ees
>>> Eees a Ham Bush

i don't get it.

[magic_idol]

Originally Posted by hi_im_god

i don't get it.

It's A Ambush were as a bacon tree would be a HAM BUSH

[magic_idol]

Try this one Though Warning !!! This is only a Joke

Ahmed the Arab came to the Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, **** in de bocket, piss on de ****, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for
ten minutes."

Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, **** in the bucket, pissed on the ****, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick ."

[hi_im_god]

Originally Posted by magic_idol

It's A Ambush were as a bacon tree would be a HAM BUSH

i'm still confused.

why would someone think an animal product would be available from a plant? that's the part i'm not getting.