Any one need a Monday Laugh

[swedejxn]

Figure there are some Trojan, Gator, GA Bulldog, Yankee, Mets, broncos, cowboys, and eagles fans out there that need a laugh..... enjoy....

A Gift for my Wife
>
>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A
> guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
> anniversary submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
> Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
> anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
> for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
> on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety....??
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device
> and brought it home.
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
> pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,
> however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
> a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie
> what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
> to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
> triple-A batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
> intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
> directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
> thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
> fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such
> a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
> wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
> assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
> my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would
> shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
> control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
> assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any
> burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device
> measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in
> circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
> bitsy triple-Abatteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
> way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking
> on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
> dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny
> little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
> give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
> . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .
> . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
> door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us
> both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
> recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
> tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
> testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
> fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed
> by my body flopping all over the living room.
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
> with a taser, one note ofcaution: there is no such thing as
> a one second burst when you zap yourself!
> You will not let go of that thing until it is
> dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
> floor. A three second burst would be considered
> conservative?
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
> relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
> little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
> bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
> The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
> where it originally was.My triceps, right thigh and both
> nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
> shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I
> had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I **** myself,
> but was too numb to know for sure and my sence of smell was
> gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
> believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts
> and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
> return!!
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
> threatens me with it!
>
> 'If you think Education is difficult, try being
> stupid.'