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#241
02-13-2007, 11:16 AM
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that's funny...cause you can get some very similar Vermont limited edition barbies
 >Limited Edition Vermont Barbie > > >Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls >for the Vermont Market: > >Williston Barbie >This princess Barbie is only sold at exclusive Williston stores. She >comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a >long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available >with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in >conjunction with "augmented" version. > >South Burlington Barbie >This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan >and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time >occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold >separately. > >Old North End Barbie >This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis >knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model >is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. >Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't >know what you are talking about. > >Essex / Shelburne Barbie >This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer >h3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club >membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private >School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them. > >Milton Barbie >This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too >small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a >six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit >over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she's drunk. Purchase >her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker >absolutely free. > >Stowe Barbie >This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski >outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. >Optional Percocet prescription available. > >Barton Barbie >This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own >high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased >Beer-Gutted Ken out of Hardwick Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes >low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter >top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player. > >Montpelier Barbie >This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, >arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white >socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need >a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Montpelier Barbies and the optional >Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free. > >Richmond Barbie >This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV, >complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll >also comes with his own mountain bike and dog. > >Barre Barbie >This Barbie is only 14 and comes with a stroller and infant doll. >Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 >Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the >addition of the infant.
__________________
 Seek respect, not attention.
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#242
02-25-2007, 01:06 PM
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Time to bring this thread back up for the "newbies".
Today it won't be about Judge Larry. His antics have been funny enough. I was thinking about one for Anna Nicole. Boob rot doesn't seem worthwhile. Just put her in the ground already! Yet, somehow, death can be laughed at, so I'll put this one out. Also, "newbies"...add your own. "Dead Penis" An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided To play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died." "It did," he said. "Today is the viewing."
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#243
02-25-2007, 03:13 PM
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Quote:
Is there a Bomoseen Barbie as well?
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#244
02-25-2007, 08:03 PM
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50 Years of Marriage
With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding
anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions. "The minister inquired "Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China. "The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?" Pete: "I'm going to go get her."
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#245
03-05-2007, 04:04 PM
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Samm's joke....
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it wastoo risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."!
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#246
03-06-2007, 07:25 PM
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This may have been posted before but if you haven't read it you will pee your pants..My all time favorite..
Texas Chili Cookoff TEXAS CHILI TASTING If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s**t, what the h**l is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p****s me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report
__________________
"If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think" - Clarence Darrow, American lawyer (1857-1938) When you are right, no one remembers;when you are wrong, no one forgets. Thought for today.."No persons are more frequently wrong, than those who will not admit they are wrong" - Francois, Duc de la Rochefoucauld, French moralist (1613-1680)
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#247
03-08-2007, 04:13 PM
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Lesson On The Evils Of Liquor
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, observe the worms closely," he said, putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked. One of the students raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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#248
03-08-2007, 04:52 PM
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Never question a drunk....
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected >>A half-gallon of 2% milk, >>A carton of eggs, >>A quart of orange juice, >>A head of romaine lettuce, >>A 2 lb. bag of coffee, >>And 1 lb. package of bacon. >> >>As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a >>drunk >>standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the >>cashier. >>While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly >>stated, >>"You must be single." >> >>The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was >>intrigued by >>the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked >>at her six >>items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her >>selections >>that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. >> >>Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know >>what, you're >>absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" >> >>The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
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