some jokes to start your day

[herkhorse]

An old man walks into a drug store and asks for some Viagra pills. He says to the chemist, "and could you break them in quarters for me please"

The chemist replies, " A quarter of a Viagra pill won't be enough to sustain an erection"

The old man says, "I'm 93 years old and I have no use for a sustained erection, I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers"

[herkhorse]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him
a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair

of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and
has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lb.
As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around
her
neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch
her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and
wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to
discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our
most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Dave. If

I catch you, you're mine..."

[Mortimer]

Originally Posted by Danzig

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the
25th floor. On the 23rd floor a very handsome man with great hair, but
obvious dandruff, gets into the elevator.

The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man
is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor.The women watch him
exit the elevator. Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, 'God,
was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head &
Shoulders.

'To which the blonde replies, 'How do you give Shoulders?'

Well...tell us ,Dannie.

[herkhorse]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[herkhorse]

http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/e...head/girls.jpg
Image

[herkhorse]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.


They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.




There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall.


It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,




medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,



and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears.


She is impressed by his
sensitive side,

but doesn't mention this to him.




They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!



Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'


She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.


He responds warmly.



They continue to kiss, the passion
builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom...



...where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy passionate love.


She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.


After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,


'Well,how was it?'


The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,


and says:








'Help yourself to any prize,


from the middle shelf"