Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[AeWingnut]

a dyslexic guy walks into a bra

[mclem0822]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through
a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunched his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,
lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed
plaid shirt. Then grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart
to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he
tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a
pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're
ya doin’ Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom dee-partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[AeWingnut]

Originally Posted by mclem0822

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through
a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunched his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,
lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed
plaid shirt. Then grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart
to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he
tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a
pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're
ya doin’ Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom dee-partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

groan

[AeWingnut]

Originally Posted by merasmag

OH!

wait...


nevahmind...

any snow pics?

nothing good
but there is snow

[AeWingnut]

[Princess Doreen]

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One said, "I've lost my electron." The other said "Are you sure?" The first replied, "Yes, I'm positive."

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[AeWingnut]

Originally Posted by Princess Doreen

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

in Illinois it's not who votes that counts
it's who counts the votes

[AeWingnut]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down
again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the ****ing dishes!!!

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Jane Velez Mitchell really cares about people, and isn't just another angry dry drunk.

[AeWingnut]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland !”

[Princess Doreen]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ylj69...layer_embedded

[AeWingnut]

Originally Posted by Princess Doreen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ylj69...layer_embedded

I am surprised no one had a heart attack

[Princess Doreen]

Originally Posted by AeWingnut

I am surprised no one had a heart attack

I would think they would get a free coffin if they did.

[Princess Doreen]

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because he liked the both of them. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after having partied all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached and said, "Debra I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Couple you please jack off, I feel like ****."

[clyde]

Anyone hear any good jokes lately?

[OldDog]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, “I'd guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I'm 50.”

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I'd say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I'm 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.



She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay....How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says, “Promise you won't get mad?”

"I promise I won't," she says.



"I was behind you at McDonalds."

[MaTH716]

[AeWingnut]

What does a girl from Kentucky say after she loses her virginity?
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get off me dad - you're crushin' my smokes

[AeWingnut]

I just turned 70 and after a thorough physical
and a series of exhaustive tests my physician
said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little
concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist
asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
“Do you smoke tobacco,” he asked, “or drink
beer or wine?”
“No,” I replied, “and I don’t do drugs, either
anymore.” Then he asked, “Do you eat ribeye
steaks and barbecued ribs?”
“Not very often,” I admitted. “I’ve read that
red meat is unhealthy.” Then he asked,
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
“No,” I said, “I really don’t.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots
of sex?”
“No,” I answered. He looked at me for a
while and finally said, “Then why do you
even give a shit?”

[Princess Doreen]

anagrams


Presbyterian = Best In Prayer


Astronomer = Moon Starer


Desperation = A Rope Ends It


The Eyes = They See


George Bush = He Bugs Gore


The Morse Code = Here Come Dots


Dormitory = Room


Slot Machines = Cash Lost In Me


Animosity = Is No Amity


Election Results = Lies - Let's Recount


Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z 's


A Decimal Point = I'm A Dot In Place


The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake


Eleven Plus Two = Twelve Plus One


Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler