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#421
06-08-2011, 09:46 AM
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A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight." I said "Would you care for dessert?"
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Felix Unger talking to Oscar Madison: "Your horse could finish third by 20 lengths and they still pay you? And you have been losing money for all these years?!" 
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#422
06-08-2011, 03:00 PM
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here." The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"
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#424
06-08-2011, 03:38 PM
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Two Headed Deer
No joke, but came across this from a newspaper in San Leon, Texas.
http://seabreezenews.com/back%20issu...1/Page_01c.pdf
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#430
07-09-2011, 01:14 PM
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Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow! Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesday, I play golf.
__________________
Felix Unger talking to Oscar Madison: "Your horse could finish third by 20 lengths and they still pay you? And you have been losing money for all these years?!"
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#431
07-17-2011, 11:38 AM
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#432
07-17-2011, 11:39 AM
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Great Blonde Jokes! DISNEYLAND Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home. FLORIDA OR MOON Two blondes living inOklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????' CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
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#433
07-17-2011, 11:40 AM
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#434
07-17-2011, 11:41 AM
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#435
07-17-2011, 11:42 AM
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#436
07-17-2011, 11:43 AM
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#437
07-17-2011, 11:43 AM
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A story about old people
A couple, both widowed, had been dating for a while. Urged on by friends they decided it was time to marry. Before the wedding, they went to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the man decided it was time to broach their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The man sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
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#438
07-17-2011, 11:44 AM
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HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD
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#439
07-17-2011, 11:46 AM
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#440
07-17-2011, 11:46 AM
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Leave it to a little kid to put a smile on your face!!!!
This is truly first grade logic, I love it! Undies Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies". Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
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