Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[TheSpyder]

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

[herkhorse]

http://vimeo.com/61275290

[casp0555]

Originally Posted by bigrun

Heaven's Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest."

Hilarious Big...I needed one this morning, thx

[bigrun]

Rodney was the best.


Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield.........
Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!...spyder's sig...

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

[witchdoctor]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to
spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me
wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner.

The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself.

You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years.

"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come,
and the other time he fell
asleep".

[casp0555]

Originally Posted by bigrun

Rodney was the best.

So true.... i could listen to him say the same line over and over, him and Henny, I loved Rodney's delivery, so fitting to his stage persona

[bigrun]

Originally Posted by casp0555

So true.... i could listen to him say the same line over and over, him and Henny, I loved Rodney's delivery, so fitting to his stage persona

The only thing i didn't like was when he did some shows on HBO...used the F word and other expletives in the wrong spots imo...not funny..only did a few shows.
All his stand-ups on Carson and other shows were outstanding. one of a kind..

[casp0555]

Originally Posted by bigrun

The only thing i didn't like was when he did some shows on HBO...used the F word and other expletives in the wrong spots imo...not funny..only did a few shows.
All his stand-ups on Carson and other shows were outstanding. one of a kind..

agreed with the vulgar language, didn't he play a serious role in a movie toward the end of his career? I'll have to google it to find it, heard he was sharp in it for the switch from his usual comedic movie stints.

[bigrun]

Originally Posted by casp0555

agreed with the vulgar language, didn't he play a serious role in a movie toward the end of his career? I'll have to google it to find it, heard he was sharp in it for the switch from his usual comedic movie stints.

Found these 3..

Caddyshack

1980


Back to School

1986


Easy Money

1983

[Danzig]

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'

[bigrun]

Originally Posted by Danzig

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'

Chuckle

[casp0555]

Originally Posted by bigrun

Found these 3..

Caddyshack

1980


Back to School

1986


Easy Money

1983

Natural Born Killers.............

[casp0555]

my contrib.......
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started

[bigrun]

Aaaah, the good ole days..



http://www.nydailynews.com/entertain...lery-1.1050013

[bigrun]

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, eye-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"



Scroll down....









God replied: I didn't recognize you."

[bigrun]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his ...lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed
the lawyer.



"My Rolex!"

[bigrun]

funny bit..


http://social.entertainment.msn.com/...f-jimmy-kimmel

[bigrun]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...

man and doc.jpg

The doctor asked him how he was feeling,
and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great
and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that, Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[bigrun]

You don't have to understand Italian to follow the auctioneer:

A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euros. Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro = $1.43.) Within seconds, the bid stalls at one million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The successful bidder is the last one who bid one million , and the auctioneer counts down the bid, "Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million Euros."

Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself. The auctioneer is exuberant. The pace is fast. This is how an auction should be run. Please note the excitement on the auctioneer's face after the final bid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3e0yZCLjwfU

[bigrun]

A Woman's Poem.


Unknown

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do..
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shiit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.