Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[casp0555]

Originally Posted by bigrun

This Tim Conway and Carol Burnett skit never aired. WONDER WHY?


http://www.youtube.com/embed/sJIh70IZua8?rel=0

Tim Conway.....one of my all time favs

[bigrun]

Originally Posted by casp0555

Tim Conway.....one of my all time favs

Yes, at the top of the list...

How bout his jockey skit with Carson..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhO7dMEthK4


And the hall of fame classic the dentist...Harvey Korman cracks up..

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=...=0&FORM=NVPFVR

[Payson Dave]

a guy complains to his doctor...Doc, I'm really scared here..my thing has turned all orange...Doc says let me run some tests and tells the guy to call him the next day...The guy calls the Doc the next day and asks... Well what did you find Doc...The Doc says all the test came back fine, tell me what you do all day...The guy says ...Well Doc, I really don't do much.... mostly just sit around eating cheese doodles and watching porn....

[bigrun]

Originally Posted by Payson Dave

a guy complains to his doctor...Doc, I'm really scared here..my thing has turned all orange...Doc says let me run some tests and tells the guy to call him the next day...The guy calls the Doc the next day and asks... Well what did you find Doc...The Doc says all the test came back fine, tell me what you do all day...The guy says ...Well Doc, I really don't do much.... mostly just sit around eating cheese doodles and watching porn....

Reminds me of the old joke about the guy that went to see his doc..Doc asks what the problem is and he says my balls turned brown..Doc checks him out and sends him home..Wife says, 'what did the doc say?'...Guy says 'Go wash your ass'...I know gross

[bigrun]

Y'all have seen this one huh..Think the tv gal is looking for new job...

http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/daily/20...na_pilot_names

The link to Huff Post has been taken down...

[bigrun]

Disclaimer: This joke is not intended to insult anyone...If it does, tough schit


A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
>
> He asks a girl in a in the research section: "Do you mind if I
> sit beside you?”
>
> The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE
> NIGHT WITH YOU!"
>
> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he
> was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
>
> After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table
> and said with a giggle, "I study psychology, and I know what a man
> is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
>
> The guy then responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT!!? THAT
> 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
>
> All the people in the library looked at the girl in total shock.
>
> The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[bigrun]

Watery Eyes After Sex

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other,

You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The other says, "Why be that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."

[casp0555]

"Once there was a man at his home, he heard a knock on the door. He opened the door and saw a snail. He threw the snail as far and as hard as he could.
3 years later the man hears a knock on his door again. It was the snail. It said "What the f*** was that for?!"

[bigrun]

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.


SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot
by the woman’s husband.

POOR LANCE ARMSTRONG
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstong, especially after
what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.


DRIVE BY
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by
and changes the channels. He is Sick


THE AGONY OF AGING
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked, you're supposed to turn your clock back".


SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen


PREGNANT PROSTITUTE
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
She says "If you ate a tin of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"


EASY JET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies, "How should I know! It's your bloody plane."

[herkhorse]

> Subject: The Parrot Died
>
>
> The Parrot Died At dawn the telephone rings.
> "Hello, Señor Roy ? This is Ernesto, the Caretaker at your country house."
>
> "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
>
> "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
>
> "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
> "Si, Señor, that's the one."
>
> "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
>
> "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."
>
> "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
>
> "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
>
> "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
>
> "The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
>
> "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
>
> "Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
>
> "Are you insane? What water cart?"
>
> "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
> "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
>
> "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
>
> "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
> "Yes, Señor Roy ."
>
> "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
> "For the funeral, Señor Roy."
>
> "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
>
> "Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief so, I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
> SILENCE...........
>
> LONG SILENCE.........
>
> VERY LONG SILENCE............
>
>








"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****.
>
>

[bigrun]

Everyone has their priorities..

[bigrun]

Texting



An elderly couple had just learned how to send text

messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic

type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.


One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message

and she wrote:


"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."


The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise."

[casp0555]

an oldie but made me smile today.....

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

[bigrun]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.





Two million Muslims die and more than a million are injured.


Iraq, Iran, and Syria are totally ruined and their governments don't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild.


The rest of the world is in shock.


The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.


Saudi Arabia is sending oil.


Latin American countries are sending clothing.


New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle, and food crops.


The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.


Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.



Great Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

[bigrun]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay,a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum

[casp0555]

bigs....you are nuts!

[bigrun]

Originally Posted by casp0555

bigs....you are nuts!

Yeah i know...that reminded me of Foster Brooks..He cracks Dean up in this bit..

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=...C430D1D851EE39

[bigrun]

Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says,
'Wow, this is a real honor!
What are you guys doing in here?'
Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really?
What's going to happen?'
Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?'





'Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims!!!'

[bigrun]

TSA Offering Free Gifts With Full Body Cavity Searches Beginning October 1st.

TSA supervisor Guillermo Thomas told reporters that he enjoys his work and takes it extremely serious. “I love what I do. I’m stopping these god*amn terrorists from killing more people. Every day that I go to work I feel like I’m saving lives,” Thomas said, “Plus I get to see beautiful woman naked all day long. Lots of gross ones too, but hey, that comes with the job I guess.

http://nationalreport.net/tsa-offeri...g-october-1st/

[bigrun]

Advice from a retired husband..Ladies please pay attn and do the right thing for your husband, poor fellow..



How about this slave driver?
>
>
> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
> becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
> when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at
> them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
> oversensitive woman.
>
> My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my
> wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
> Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for
> extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
>
>
> Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
> her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she
> gets home from work
>
> Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
> rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
> her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
> gets dinner on the table.
>
>
> I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is
> not an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked
> food when I walk through that door. She used to do the dishes as soon
> as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the
> table for several hours after dinner.
>
> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
> evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
> this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
> to bed.
>
> Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
> say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
> during her lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or worse, so
> I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
> over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much.
> I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help
> her figure. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
>
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
> She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the
> lawn. I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix
> herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and
> just relax for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself,
> she might as well make one for me too.
>
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol.
> I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy.
> Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows better
> than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
>
>
> However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact and less
> criticism of your ageing wife as a result of reading this article, I
> will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are
> put on this earth to help each other.
>
>
> Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter.
>
>
> The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch
> Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5
> inches of grip showing. A sledge hammer was laying nearby.
>
>
> His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman
> jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her
> defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his
> golf club.
>