Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

[Downthestretch55]

Italian Bus Humor
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[Downthestretch55]

Bug Spray...anything for a sale

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you.

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,

"Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

[Downthestretch55]

Free meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."


When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[Downthestretch55]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[Downthestretch55]

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF. . .



1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."



2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!



3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "

Worcestershire sauce" correctly.



4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to

grits.



5. You don't know what moon pie is.



6. You've never had an RC cola.



7. You have never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.



8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.



9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows

you've seen are on road trips.



10. You have no idea what a polecat is.



11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater

on a poodle.



12. You don't have bangs.



13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than

Six Flags.



14. More than two generations of your family have been

kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.



15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than

grow up to get his own TV fishing show.



16. Instead of referring to two or more people as

"y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them

are women.



17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around

a gun-n-knife show.



19. You think more money should go to important

scientific research at your university than to pay the

salary of the head football coach.



20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere

around the house.



21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented

someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.



22. You don't have any hats in your closet that

advertise feed stores.



23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume

counter at Neiman Marcus.



24. You call binoculars opera glasses.



25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling

over to the side of road and stopping.



26. You would never wear pink or an appliqu?

sweatshirt.



27. You don't know what appliqu? is.



28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names

(i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean,

Joe Dan, Mary Alice)



29. You don't have doilies and you certainly don't know

how to make one.



30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk

to you.



31. You can do your laundry without quarters.



32. None of your fur coats are homemade

[Downthestretch55]

Tip for Red Neck Ladies...

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
contrasting polish should be selected).

[TheSpyder]

> > Golf Vs Sex
> >
> > A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by
>a
> >
> > couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the
> > golfer
> > mumbles to himself.
> >
> > Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you
> > be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
> >
> > Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
> > golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,
>"Sure,"
> > and
> > sinks the putt.
> >
> > Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would
> > like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his
>side
> > again
> > and
> > whispers,"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex
> > life?"
> >
> > Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
> >
> > On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
> > waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his
> > side and says,"Would winning this match be worth giving up the
>rest
> >of
> > your
> > sex
> > life?"
> >
> > "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
> >
> > As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
> > alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you
>because
> > you
> > don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you
> >will
> > have
> > no sex life."
> >
> > "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
> >
> >
> >

[Downthestretch55]

The Hunter and the Grizzly Bear

This guy is out hunting one day when he comes across the biggest Grizzly bear he's ever seen. He quickly raises his shotgun and BLAM! BLAM! fires at it. When the smoke clears, there's no bear. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder - it's the bear. "OK ****head," the bear says, "you have two choices. Either I get to maul you to death, or I get to do ya in the butt." Choosing the lesser of two evils, the hunter bends over and takes his punishment. Limping back into the house that night, however, he vows revenge. The next day he goes out looking for the bear with extra ammo. After an hour and a half, he sees the bear. Taking careful aim, he BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! fires right at him. However, when the smoke clears, there's no sign of the bear. Suddenly, he feels a tap on his shoulder. "You know the drill, same as yesterday, pal," the bear says. The next day, the hunter takes an elephant gun with him, vowing once and for all to do in the damn thing. He finds the bear, and KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! he fires at the bear, trees falling down from the gunshots, the air shaking from the concussions, but when the smoke clears, no bear. Tap tap tap. The hunter turns around to see the bear standing there with a smirk on his face. "You're not in this for the huntin', are ya?"

[Downthestretch55]

SEX QUOTATIONS

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." - Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." - Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Unknown

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." - P. J. O'Rourke

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Woody Allen

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." - George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the feminists to arrange is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." - Camille Paglia

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." - Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns

[Downthestretch55]

Golf Joke

A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" the Priest asks.

"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible."

"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.

"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."

"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"

"No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.

The priest sighed, "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?!! .

[Downthestretch55]

A Dairy Farmer
A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover.

As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.

What a relief!

Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"

She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!"

[Downthestretch55]

This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.

He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?''

Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''

The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''

Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''

The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''

The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.

The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''

He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''

The husband looks him over and says,''But you're naked.''

The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards.''

[GPK]

Difference in Men and Women

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Downthestretch55]

Good one GPK!
On a similar theme...

Bridging the gap between the sexes
A man was walking down the beach watching the tides roll in. He's walking along and comes across a genie bottle.

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. "I'll give you two wishes for freeing me" the genie informs him. "What's your first wish?" Genie asks.
"Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. Can you build a bridge from California to Hawaii?" the man asks.


The Genie thinks about this for a few moments and then tells the guy "Well, It will take alot of materials, alot of time and a lot of planning. It's almost impossible.

Tell me what your second wish would be."
The guy thinks for a few minutes and then says "Well, I've always wondered how women think. What makes them the way they are and what makes them tick?"


The genie looks at the guy and asks "How many lanes you want that bridge?"

[my miss storm cat]

Originally Posted by Downthestretch55

Good one GPK!
On a similar theme...

Bridging the gap between the sexes
A man was walking down the beach watching the tides roll in. He's walking along and comes across a genie bottle.

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. "I'll give you two wishes for freeing me" the genie informs him. "What's your first wish?" Genie asks.
"Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. Can you build a bridge from California to Hawaii?" the man asks.


The Genie thinks about this for a few moments and then tells the guy "Well, It will take alot of materials, alot of time and a lot of planning. It's almost impossible.

Tell me what your second wish would be."
The guy thinks for a few minutes and then says "Well, I've always wondered how women think. What makes them the way they are and what makes them tick?"


The genie looks at the guy and asks "How many lanes you want that bridge?"

Ha ha, nice one.

[Downthestretch55]

Good one Mera.

Today's...

"Oh My God"
An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"$200", he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"

[Downthestretch55]

Science Class


Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"


No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"


She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??"


Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore and said to the class, "Anybody?"
"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."


Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!!!

[Downthestretch55]

TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still
the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a
dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers , scen t ID's, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember
to be a good dog.

1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it
up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like
the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying
"hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee
table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not
after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

[Downthestretch55]

An episode of "Cops" that I'd like to see.

Set the scene...hum along if ya don't know the words...
"Bad boys, bad boys, whachagonna do? Whacha gonna do when they come for you?"

A San Diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money? "the officer asked.

"I guess i"ll go to driving school and get my license, " the man answered.

"Don't listen to him," said the woman in the passanger seat. "He's a smart alect when he is drunk."

This woke up the man in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

Then there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"