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#61
03-30-2009, 10:03 PM
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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." 
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#63
03-30-2009, 10:14 PM
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A guy's car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.He asks the man at the counter, "Do you have any rooms available?"The man at the counter says, "Yeah, but don't stick your dick in the 3 holes.""OK." The guy agrees and walks to his room. A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole. He says,"Ahh,that feels good!" Then he sticks his dick in the second hole,"Ahh,that feels even better!" Then he sticks his dick in the third hole,"OUCH!!My dick!!"He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep. The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, "You stuck your dick in the three holes didn't you?"He said, "Yeah, how did you know? "The man at the counter said, "Well, my wife is pregnant,my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken.
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#64
03-31-2009, 08:48 AM
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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says "" My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent""! The cat says, ""I don't thing so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter""! The penis outraged, says "" At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push up's untill you throw up "" !
__________________
Ole' Timer says to another leaving Keystone Race Track (Philly ) ...""Its a good thing I broke even today, I really needed the money """!!!! Gotta Love Horse Racing !!
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#65
04-03-2009, 03:07 PM
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --- A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.' And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- ------ I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started.... ------------ --------- --------- --------- ----- My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ;---- I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started.... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....
__________________
please use generalizations and non-truths when arguing your side, thank you
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#66
04-03-2009, 10:31 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Ole' Timer says to another leaving Keystone Race Track (Philly ) ...""Its a good thing I broke even today, I really needed the money """!!!! Gotta Love Horse Racing !!
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#67
04-03-2009, 10:38 PM
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Quote:
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#68
04-05-2009, 10:54 AM
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Old man goes to the doctor for a follow up visit. Dr. says "I've got bad news, you have AIDS and you have Alzheimer's". The old man looks at the Dr. and says "at least I don't have AIDS".
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#69
04-06-2009, 12:59 PM
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A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party,you're lucky you don't bark!
__________________
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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#70
04-06-2009, 03:11 PM
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Lifesavers
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of
First graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red......................Cherry Yellow..................Lemon Green...................Lime Orange ................Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue…it's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh my Gosh, they're ass-holes”
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#71
04-06-2009, 03:13 PM
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss!, Sssss!!, Sssss!!!..... and before she could say '****!', the Rottweiler ate her!' The teacher had to leave the room.
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#72
04-06-2009, 03:41 PM
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The doctor told his patient, "I have good news and I have bad news."
The patient said, "Let me have the bad news first." Doctor says, "The bad news is that you have an incurable disease, and you have only six months to live." The patient asked, "What's the GOOD news?" "Well - you see that nurse out there with the great big tits? - I'm FUCl<ING her !!!!"
__________________
We've Gone Delirious
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#73
04-06-2009, 07:34 PM
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Old and simple, I really like this one
! Quote:
__________________
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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#75
04-06-2009, 09:54 PM
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Daughter turns to her mama one day and asks her" Mama I heard that if her swallow sperm, you can get pregnant is that true"? Her mama says " that aint how you get pregnant, but it is how you pay the rent"!
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#76
04-09-2009, 07:08 AM
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Heard any good jokes lately?
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you have regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the expressway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, even better, in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch". The man perks up at this. "So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.......But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it is important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. the doctor comes back the next day. The doctor asked "have you spoken with your wife"? "I have", said the man. "And has she helped you in making the decision"? "She has", said the man. "And what is it"? asked the doctor. "We're getting granite countertops".
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#77
04-11-2009, 09:09 AM
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A man in a bar asks the bartender where he might get some action in town. The bartender gives the man an address and tells him to knock on the door and say "big Moe wants to get fu**ed". The man thanks the bartender finishes his drink and leaves. When he gets to the address he knocks on the door and hears a burly mans voice say "waddya want" so he replies "big Moe wants to get fu**ed". After a few seconds he hears "slip a fifty under the door". He slips a fifty under the door and nothing happens. He knocks again and hears the same voice say "waddya want" so he replies "big Moe wants to get fu**ed". After a few second he hears... "again?"
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#78
04-14-2009, 11:59 AM
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "" But sir, its just a sperm bank!"" "I dont care, open it now.", he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "" Take one of those sperm samples and drink it""! , she looks at him ""BUT, they are sperm samples ??"", ""DO IT""!!! So the nurse sucks it back,."" That one there, drink that one as well"", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski
mask and says..."" See honey-its not that hard"" !!
__________________
Ole' Timer says to another leaving Keystone Race Track (Philly ) ...""Its a good thing I broke even today, I really needed the money """!!!! Gotta Love Horse Racing !!
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#79
04-24-2009, 01:15 PM
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A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Italian from New York fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!' The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called ou t: 'Move it, time is money'!!! The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.' "Excuse me, Sir", said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.' The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honor of these brave souls'!! The Italian from New York said, 'Why The F.uck can't they play at night?
__________________
Felix Unger talking to Oscar Madison: "Your horse could finish third by 20 lengths and they still pay you? And you have been losing money for all these years?!"
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#80
04-24-2009, 02:13 PM
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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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