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#121
11-08-2006, 01:28 PM
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Easy Money
I decided to stop worrying about my teen aged daughter's driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week. 
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#122
11-08-2006, 03:03 PM
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Haha dts last two have made me laugh keep them coming. Thanx for posting them
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#123
11-09-2006, 01:30 PM
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This one is for anyone that thinks they're having a "bad day". From what I can find...this one is true.
Bad Day A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm. ______________________________________________ Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
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#124
11-10-2006, 01:14 PM
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This one is a true story.
I hope all you DTer's never wake up to find one in your driveway, but in case you do, here's how you "get er done". How to remove a dead whale..... Way To Remove A Dead Whale The Farside Comes To Life In Oregon I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal. So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens. Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil. Rumor has it that the Oregon Highway crew was last seen responding to an "emergency" in a place called Crawford, Texas. Good luck fellas!
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#125
11-11-2006, 03:17 PM
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The Swiss...How to Avoid War
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"
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#126
11-12-2006, 10:03 AM
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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question her eplied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that broke back mountain **** in our garden."
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#127
11-12-2006, 11:46 AM
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The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch
__________________
 Seek respect, not attention.
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#128
11-12-2006, 12:18 PM
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2 Hot and Pais,
Pretty good ones. I'll stay with the blonde theme.. The Blonde and the Coke Machine There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
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#129
11-13-2006, 02:45 PM
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Quotes from Dubbya
These are actual quotes from the Flubber-in-Chief, George W. Bush: 10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." --LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000 9) "Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life." --Annandale, Va, Aug. 9, 2004 8) "I've reminded the prime minister -- the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." --Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006 7) "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." --Second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 6) "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 5) "They misunderestimated me." --Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000 4) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000 3) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 1) "There ought to be limits to freedom." Response at press conference.
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#130
11-13-2006, 02:58 PM
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Quote:
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#131
11-13-2006, 03:07 PM
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Quote:
Good ya liked it. I've been having a chuckle or two for a while. DTS
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#132
11-13-2006, 06:41 PM
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OK...Confession
In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest. The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation, surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?" The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
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#133
11-13-2006, 07:48 PM
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Quote:
No doubt these were found on www.commondreams.org (also known as http://www.dontthinkforyourselfbelie...readhere.org:D
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#134
11-13-2006, 08:31 PM
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
__________________
"You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take." Follow me with the Rays grounds crew at https://twitter.com/TripleCrown59 www.facebook.com/TripleCrown59 K&S pics- http://share.shutterfly.com/action/w...0BYtWrhw2csXLA
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#135
11-13-2006, 08:37 PM
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I LOVE IT...too damn funny
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#136
11-13-2006, 08:39 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take." Follow me with the Rays grounds crew at https://twitter.com/TripleCrown59 www.facebook.com/TripleCrown59 K&S pics- http://share.shutterfly.com/action/w...0BYtWrhw2csXLA
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#138
11-13-2006, 09:58 PM
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Dude absolute comedy
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#139
11-14-2006, 01:32 PM
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Success In Politics !
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All Fools... "Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything." -- Frank Dane -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Profession ! Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. It bears a very close resemblance to the first. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Energy Bill ! "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." -- George W. Bush, Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002
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#140
11-15-2006, 12:55 PM
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New York Laws...(no kiddin')
The penalty for jumping off a building is death. Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket. While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. Carmel A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. Greene During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks. New York You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building. Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers". Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing." Ocean City It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town. It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle. Staten Island It is illegal for a father to call his son a "******" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior." You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
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