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#141
09-24-2009, 11:50 PM
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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?" 
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#142
09-24-2009, 11:53 PM
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Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine) Grand Canyon National Park... Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park... Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? Denali National Park (Alaska)... What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where the yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Mesa Verde National Park... Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? Carlsbad Caverns National Park... How much of the cave is underground? So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this -- just a hole in the ground? Yosemite National Park... Where are the cages for the animals? What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls? Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton? Yellowstone National Park... Does Old Faithful erupt at night? How do you turn it on? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
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#143
09-28-2009, 10:45 AM
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World best story !!!
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' So the guy rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and smoked cigars and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted and scratched his balls whenever he wanted. And he lived happily ever after The end
__________________
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#144
09-28-2009, 05:15 PM
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This elderly couple in their 80's had both lost their previous spouses. In an effort to combat growing older alone, they decided to marry. After finally sorting out the normal new couple issues, such as money, whos house to live in, etc...the old man finally gathered the courage to ask his soon to be new bride about their love life.
"How often do you like sex?" He inquired. "Infrenquently" she responsed Thinking for a second, he asked "Is that one word or two?" 
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#145
09-29-2009, 07:43 PM
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Do you like fishsticks?
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#146
09-29-2009, 10:39 PM
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A guy is in the market for a motorcycle but he doesn't have a lot of cash to spend. He sees an ad in the paper for an older model that is in great shape and goes to investigate.
He shows up, and the thing looks like it had just come out of the showroom. "How'd you keep it looking so good?", he asks. "Well, the trick is - every time it looks like it is going to rain, I rub a little Vaseline on the chrome - keeps it tip top." "I'll take it!" the guy expounds triumphantly. The seller takes the cash and gives him what is left of the tube and he's off. He rides over to pick up his girlfriend on his new found dream machine. She gets on the back and says, "Honey, I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with my family this evening". Never having met her parents before, he obliges. "Well.... there is one thing you need to know about them - there is sort of a peculiar rule in our house. You mustn't say ANYTHING during the meal. If you do, you will have to do the dishes". He finds this completely strange, but is so smitten with his gal he reassures her that it will be fine. He shows up promptly and is cordiality invited in, only to find the foyer stacked floor to ceiling with dirty dishes; the same for the living room and the dining room.... They all sit down to their meal - no one saying a word. At this point, he motions to his girlfriend and throws her up on the dining room table, giving it to her in front of both parents, in a way that would make Ron Jeremy proud. No one says a word. Well, Mom ain't looking too bad, what the hell? He throws her mother on the table and start slamming her like she hadn't had it in ages. Quiet as a church pew. He looks out the window and notices that it is beginning to rain. He pulls out the tube of Vaseline and the father screams, "ALRIGHT!! I'LL DO THE FUCl<ING DISHES!!"
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#147
10-01-2009, 08:20 AM
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#148
10-01-2009, 09:38 AM
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An Idaho farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked. "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?" "No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "He went with mom and dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad." "Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
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#149
10-05-2009, 08:03 AM
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A man stumbles up to the only other person in a bar and says "Will we have a drink?".
"Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "Unbelievable!!!" the second man said. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
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#150
10-08-2009, 09:06 PM
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Here is another tender love story:
HER DIARY Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. My heart just sank. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.
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#151
10-09-2009, 11:54 AM
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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed . The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just screwin' with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
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We've Gone Delirious
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#152
10-12-2009, 12:47 PM
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A WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who Owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
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#153
10-15-2009, 08:17 AM
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I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?” The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
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#154
10-15-2009, 08:19 AM
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An 85 year old man is at the doc’s having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. “Never better!” he replies. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story… I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him.” “That’s impossible !” said the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.” “Exactly.”
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#156
10-16-2009, 09:36 AM
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Cocktail Conversation
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen. "What's your name?" He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf." 
__________________
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#157
10-22-2009, 09:56 AM
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Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwarded the following letter.
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the luncheon as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Dear Kean Elementary: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens Luncheon. I'm 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.. Sincerely, Agnes Baker 
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#158
10-28-2009, 06:34 AM
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Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his willy, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring.
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#159
11-01-2009, 07:43 AM
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Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
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#160
11-01-2009, 09:25 PM
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Two bees met in a field. One said to the other,
'How are things going?' 'Really bad,' said the second bee. 'The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey. 'No problem,' said the first bee, 'Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.' 'Thanks for the tip,' said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, 'How'd it go?' 'Great!' said the second bee. 'It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table. 'Uh, what's that thing on your head?' asked the first bee. 'That's my yarmulke,' said the second bee. 'I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.
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