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#161
11-28-2006, 05:34 PM
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How goes?? If I annoyed ya...sorry. Don't know,,,but apologies all around. 
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#162
11-28-2006, 05:41 PM
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Hate is something I don't give time to "rent space in my head". Carry on...I'll try to find a better one tomorrow.
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#163
11-29-2006, 12:03 PM
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Not really funny, but worth knowing in case you're ever asked.
Are You Know Everything ? The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched". On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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#164
11-29-2006, 11:12 PM
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A traveling salesman arrives at a farmhouse and asks to spend the night.
The farmer agrees but on one condition. "We don't have any extra rooms so you'll have to sleep with my son." The salesman says, "hold on a minute...I think I'm in the wrong joke." Last edited by hi_im_god : 11-29-2006 at 11:25 PM.
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#165
11-30-2006, 12:01 PM
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Did you ever resond to these questions that the kids asked you? Children's Letters to God Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. -Raphael Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M. Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D. Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
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#166
12-01-2006, 12:02 PM
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In case you didn't know....
What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker? The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
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#167
12-02-2006, 10:55 AM
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Horse Country
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President G W Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's as s I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Laura Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's as s too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
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#168
12-03-2006, 10:01 AM
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Various important philosophical Questions
Why is it only drug dealers and software developers call their clients 'users'? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket? If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said, "If I tell you, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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#169
12-03-2006, 05:23 PM
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From my favorite Jewish humor site...
The Philosopher A young man was going to evening classes in philosophy to improve his education and when he came home his father always asked him what he'd learned. "This evening we talked about Einstein and the Theory of Relativity" "Voos is doos der Theory of Relativity?" "Well it shows that everything is relative. If you were sitting on a hot stove for five minutes it would seem like an hour, but if you were making love to a beautiful woman for an hour it would seem like five minutes." The old man thought for a minute. "And from this Einstein makes a living"
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#170
12-04-2006, 12:06 PM
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The Children of Israel
Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"
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#171
12-05-2006, 11:55 AM
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Dearly Departed
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband."
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#172
12-06-2006, 10:12 AM
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God's Creation
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
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#173
12-06-2006, 10:57 AM
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The ****in' funeral director would be my guess." Hee hee...
__________________
"Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawaken. 
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#174
12-07-2006, 12:09 PM
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True Love
A man was walking across the road when he was struck by a car. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hand and said meaningfully: "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying". She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more ads for me to apply..." He continued, "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me. Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. And you were there beside me". Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband. "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you were here beside me........There's something I'd really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.."
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#175
12-07-2006, 01:32 PM
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RIP Grampa
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."
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#176
12-07-2006, 03:27 PM
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Quote:
__________________
http://www.facebook.com/cajungator26
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#177
12-07-2006, 03:41 PM
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That "sentence" has gotten me in to trouble more than once. Good to see that others are reading the "jokes"..over 1800 looks. Ya know, I do this cause it's something I think all folks like...to laugh. Same reason I post a recipe in the cook book...we all like to eat too. Celeb matches...are we all a bit curious too? I do, and I am.
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#178
12-08-2006, 10:50 AM
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The pig with a wooden leg
A rabbi is driving down a country road one day and sees a pig in an open field with a wooden leg. Taken aback by his curiosity, he pulls into the driveway of a farm just up the road and rings the doorbell. A farmer answers the door and greets the rabbi. "Hello there, Mr. Bearded Man.May I help you?" asks the farmer. "Yes you may", says the rabbi. "I couldn't help but notice that you have a pig with a wooden leg out in your field. What's up with that?" "Listen", says the farmer. "That is one great pig. One day I was plowing my field and my tractor turned over right on top of me. That pig came over and pulled me out from underneath the mess and saved my life." "That's great" said the rabbi, "but what's with the wooden leg?" "Listen" says the farmer, "one night a fire started in our kitchen while my family was sleeping. That pig came over to the house, knocked on the window with his nose, woke us up, and saved my whole family. That is one great pig." "Yes" said the rabbi, now growing a bit frustrated. "I see this is one great pig. But again, what's with the wooden leg?" "Oh" says the farmer. "The wooden leg?..... well....a great pig like that.....you can't eat him all at once."
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#179
12-08-2006, 10:57 AM
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Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the
farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house, the farmer is completely shocked! After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard with vultures circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself and I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".
__________________
"Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawaken.
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